So I feel like I have lived a few lifetimes since my last post. In that time I have really struggled with so many things, but I haven't been able to write about it.My hope is that I will get to soon. Recently I have been questioned about the content of my blogs and what I write about. So I took some time to evaluate my heart and figure out why I write. What I realized during this time, is why I actually blog.
I originally started blogging so that I could put it together for my children someday. But now I realize my blogging isn't necessarily for them. It is not really for my friends to keep up to date on the intimate details of my life. It isn't to brag about what I am doing with my life or how great my family is.(If it comes off that way, I don't mean it to). In fact, I feel like I use it for a completely different reason.
I write because it is my own therapy. I honestly believe that when I share with you, it is actually God sharing with me on what I need to work on. So you are actually getting my inequities and failures of where God wants me to work. You are getting a front row seat to my relationship with God. I believe God gets me to sit down and just listen as I write. Then I get to go back and read through what he needs me to know and understand. I know this may sound really weird, but I know it is exactly correct.
Now I know I could just write these things and never post them and just leave them for me. However, I do believe that even if one person can get an insight to certain struggles or scripture that I have shared, then it was worth it. My heart's desire is for you to see how incredible our God is and if He can work in a person like me,there is hope for everyone. My life is not an example of what God would want for anyone. I have sinned and failed over and over. But through Christ, all is forgiven and forgotten. So through my blog I will not cease to sing His praise!
A new found appreciation for parenting
I am writing this really early Thanksgiving AM and I am sure their are tons of grammatical errors...
My prayer is that in our home and yours, we would seek for God to guide us in our parenting and train our children the way God designed. Our impact is huge and the job is too great for us to carry by ourselves!! Their future depends on it!
Right now we are really being challenged. This challenge has given me a new appreciation for parents and more importantly Godly parents. When I mean challenged is that right now Alaura feels the need to share every horrible situation she has encountered, experienced or done. We know it is an attempt to see if we are going to budge, react, think less of her or for just simple shock value. I knew we were going to go through this, but I honestly thought she would wait a few weeks before it started. But why not get it out now?!!!
What I am learning through all of these random discussions is the importance of parenting. Parents have such a huge impact on their children. We have an opportunity to build, encourage and instruct our children. Yet we can also break down, traumatize and hurt our children so badly that it is forever encrypted in their little minds. Just listening to Alaura, I can't fathom her life. I can't fathom how Dave and I can restore it or her broken heart. And I am thankful we don't have to. Although it can be hard for us to see now, we know that God can do all things! We have seen God working in just these few days. I have been clinging to His little tokens He has bestowed on us these last few days. Tokens that say "I am here and I am working".
(One little sweet moment was when we took her to her favorite store Forever 21 and we had her pick out a shirt for us to buy. Well, if you have been in this store you know their is a lot of clothing that is questionable. But out of all of the 100s of shirts she picked a shirt with a bible verse on it. I know it was to please us, but I had to thank God that right their He showed us that I am here, give Me control! Her desire to know God is great, it is our job to teach her His ways!)
I have always been in tune that my decisions and choices will effect my children, but now that I have a teenage girl tuned into my life to see if I am legit, I am on my knees humbled! God has revealed so much about me that I don't like. By placing Alaura in our home, God has taken my blinders off and showing me areas that are not pleasing to Him. I am sensing an urgency to let sin go in my life. We are trying to show her the love of Jesus and our lives have to reflect it in EVERY aspect!
This week this verse has just been on my heart and at the forefront of my mind..."Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: Psalm 139:23
What I am learning through all of these random discussions is the importance of parenting. Parents have such a huge impact on their children. We have an opportunity to build, encourage and instruct our children. Yet we can also break down, traumatize and hurt our children so badly that it is forever encrypted in their little minds. Just listening to Alaura, I can't fathom her life. I can't fathom how Dave and I can restore it or her broken heart. And I am thankful we don't have to. Although it can be hard for us to see now, we know that God can do all things! We have seen God working in just these few days. I have been clinging to His little tokens He has bestowed on us these last few days. Tokens that say "I am here and I am working".
(One little sweet moment was when we took her to her favorite store Forever 21 and we had her pick out a shirt for us to buy. Well, if you have been in this store you know their is a lot of clothing that is questionable. But out of all of the 100s of shirts she picked a shirt with a bible verse on it. I know it was to please us, but I had to thank God that right their He showed us that I am here, give Me control! Her desire to know God is great, it is our job to teach her His ways!)
I have always been in tune that my decisions and choices will effect my children, but now that I have a teenage girl tuned into my life to see if I am legit, I am on my knees humbled! God has revealed so much about me that I don't like. By placing Alaura in our home, God has taken my blinders off and showing me areas that are not pleasing to Him. I am sensing an urgency to let sin go in my life. We are trying to show her the love of Jesus and our lives have to reflect it in EVERY aspect!
This week this verse has just been on my heart and at the forefront of my mind..."Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: Psalm 139:23
My prayer is that in our home and yours, we would seek for God to guide us in our parenting and train our children the way God designed. Our impact is huge and the job is too great for us to carry by ourselves!! Their future depends on it!
A week with a teenager
So I have had so many things to post and no time to do it!! So I just wanted to share that we have Alaura moved in to her new room and the kids are now sharing a room. I could post on how the transition has been with Kyler and Charlie alone, but I can't right now. Thiw week I feel like Dave and I have lived lifetimes!!! And it is only Wednesday!! But it is undeniable that God is at work. God has revealed so many things to me that I really don't like about myself and areas that I really need to work on. On the other hand, God has done amazing work in Dave!! I am in awe and amazed at how well Dave has been with having a teenage daughter! He has been clear, concise, stern and loving. I just can't believe how well Dave has taken to his new role of dad to a teenage girl. Alaura really adores him and it is so obvious that she will grow to be a total daddy's girl! It is my true honor to have him as the leader of our home!
We are all adjusting to this new life and it is going to take a lot of prayer and love to make it all work. But most of all, we are just seeking God in all of it!! Our top priority right now is building her up and showing her that their is a life of ultimate joy with Christ! That hope can exist and that she can love without fear. Our big obstacle is revealing her worth to her. That God and our family love her, that we are not going to leave and that this is not just temporary. It breaks my heart that this is even an issue. Unfortunately, with Thanksgiving here many people are on vacation so we haven't been able to fill out paperwork. If it doesn't get done by today, we will have to return her on Sunday to go back to school. We are praying that this doesn't have to happen. Alaura is so worried about going back to her foster home. She actually has a great foster mom, but her desire to be a part of a family is great!! We have seen so much progress in this short week and we really don't want to take steps back. But if she has to go back, Dave and I will continue to fight to get her back as soon as possible. We just take one battle at a time!!
I really want to apologize to my friends and family if I have hurt you by not returning calls or emails. You are in my heart and mind, but I have to make sure my time is at home right now. I love you and covet your prayers. I want to wish you all a beautiful Thanksgiving!! Our God is mighty and we have so much to be thankful for! I look forward to catching up with all of you soon. I know you all have so much going on in your lives and I want to know all about it too!
Here is a picture she took of herself. It is a big step because she is showing teeth. :) She doesn't like to smile showing her teeth. Baby steps. Check out those dimples!
We are all adjusting to this new life and it is going to take a lot of prayer and love to make it all work. But most of all, we are just seeking God in all of it!! Our top priority right now is building her up and showing her that their is a life of ultimate joy with Christ! That hope can exist and that she can love without fear. Our big obstacle is revealing her worth to her. That God and our family love her, that we are not going to leave and that this is not just temporary. It breaks my heart that this is even an issue. Unfortunately, with Thanksgiving here many people are on vacation so we haven't been able to fill out paperwork. If it doesn't get done by today, we will have to return her on Sunday to go back to school. We are praying that this doesn't have to happen. Alaura is so worried about going back to her foster home. She actually has a great foster mom, but her desire to be a part of a family is great!! We have seen so much progress in this short week and we really don't want to take steps back. But if she has to go back, Dave and I will continue to fight to get her back as soon as possible. We just take one battle at a time!!
I really want to apologize to my friends and family if I have hurt you by not returning calls or emails. You are in my heart and mind, but I have to make sure my time is at home right now. I love you and covet your prayers. I want to wish you all a beautiful Thanksgiving!! Our God is mighty and we have so much to be thankful for! I look forward to catching up with all of you soon. I know you all have so much going on in your lives and I want to know all about it too!
Here is a picture she took of herself. It is a big step because she is showing teeth. :) She doesn't like to smile showing her teeth. Baby steps. Check out those dimples!
Buildiing our family through adoption - AGAIN
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" Isaiah 55:8-9
God really has a different plan than what ours is. So let me share a little of what is goin on in our home. Well, a couple of weeks ago I attended an adoption picnic. This picnic was held by California Kids Connection where they actually bring the kids to the picnic so that we can have a chance to meet them and see some of the kids that are presently waiting for a permanent home. Although the kids are typically, older, larger sibling sets, or harder to place, our social worker asked if we would like to attend. At first I was hesitant because I really didn't think we would find a child that fit within Dave and I's "criteria". I opted to attend because I really thought it would be good to go. I will be honest, we haven't enjoyed this adoption process as much as we have enjoyed the past ones. But for the time being, we felt like this was where God led us. I really felt that I needed to go to the picnic to have the Lord break my heart and remember why we are in this process. It is for the children!!! And God calls us to take care of His children! I needed to see the faces so I could remember why we are in this particular battle. I needed to see the faces that our God loves so dearly and what we may see as hopeless situations is actually redeemable by our Lord.
Unfortunately Dave did not get to attend the picnic because he was out of town for work. I began to pray and asked others to pray before I went to this picnic. I knew I would have a hard time because as much as I would like to say we can take them all, we know that is just not possible. So I just kept reminding myself, that our God loves them more than we do and He is caring for them.
I could go in great detail as to what it was like at the picnic, but that would take forever. Their will be faces that I never forget and heartache among certain children that I will never forget. But I think that is a good thing as God continues to work in me and aligning my heart with His!! Well, as the picnic went on we were asked to interact with as many children as possible so they had a memorable experience and that maybe even for a short time, they forgot they were in a system, but rather just kids hanging out at a park. While I interacted with different kids, I will be honest with you, I was looking at the younger ones or who would look like they fit best in our home. At one point, I had to step away to recompose myself. It is a tough situation to see all of these children that are without families! As I was walking back to the picnic, I noticed a girl sitting on the outskirts of the picnic all alone. I could tell she was part of the group, but not. She sat so sweetly holding her purse. I could tell she had gotten all ready for the event but felt uncomfortable. I decided I would be "polite" and go say hi. What I didn't expect was what happened next. God drew me to her. I was just going to be polite, but I was captivated by her sincerity and sweet soul. She started asking me a ton of questions about what type of child we wanted to adopt and if we would consider an older child. I sat their and answered questions that NO child should ever have to ask. She was searching for someone to want her. As we talked I kept thinking "but we can't do a child this old. It wouldn't work. 15 isn't what we signed up for? Dave will never go for it." All these things kept running through my head, but then I kept talking to her and thinking but God, she is yours. You don't see her age as a hindrance. She is your precious little girl, so are we willing to step out of our comfort zone to give her a basic need of a family? Our we willing to let go of what we see as normal, to seek what God desires?
Later after the picnic, I couldn't wait to tell Dave all about the picnic. I told him a few stories about a few of the kids, but the one I couldn't wait to tell him about was Alaura. I wept as I told him I knew I sounded crazy for considering it, but how do you say no? She was not close to any of our criteria, but if we 100% trust God, then we needed to see if this was His will. Now please know, that as Dave and I have discussed this we know we are far from wonderful parents. We have a lot to learn. But we also know that we can offer her a hope and a future in our Lord Jesus Christ that far surpasses all of our short comings. We know He will equip us as parents for a 15 year old. As we have prayed, we have asked God to close the doors if she is not ours, but if she is, to give us a peace that surpasses all understand that only God can provide. God has done this over and over!
Well, we were matched!! Which means, we will proceed forward to transition her to our family our family over the next few week, if that is something she wants. A social worker is going to meet with her once more to make sure that is what she really wants. How long this will take, probably a few weeks. We just don't know, but we are really seeking for God's perfect timing. We are scared, excited and don't even know what we are getting into, but trusting that this is God's will and He will guide us.
So now that you have read all this, you can see why this verse just reigns true!! What we thought best, was not what God's plans were at all. His plans far exceeded our desires! His thoughts are so much higher than ours!! We are humbled and amazed! We will keep you posted.
Excitedly waiting on what God does next!!!
God really has a different plan than what ours is. So let me share a little of what is goin on in our home. Well, a couple of weeks ago I attended an adoption picnic. This picnic was held by California Kids Connection where they actually bring the kids to the picnic so that we can have a chance to meet them and see some of the kids that are presently waiting for a permanent home. Although the kids are typically, older, larger sibling sets, or harder to place, our social worker asked if we would like to attend. At first I was hesitant because I really didn't think we would find a child that fit within Dave and I's "criteria". I opted to attend because I really thought it would be good to go. I will be honest, we haven't enjoyed this adoption process as much as we have enjoyed the past ones. But for the time being, we felt like this was where God led us. I really felt that I needed to go to the picnic to have the Lord break my heart and remember why we are in this process. It is for the children!!! And God calls us to take care of His children! I needed to see the faces so I could remember why we are in this particular battle. I needed to see the faces that our God loves so dearly and what we may see as hopeless situations is actually redeemable by our Lord.
Unfortunately Dave did not get to attend the picnic because he was out of town for work. I began to pray and asked others to pray before I went to this picnic. I knew I would have a hard time because as much as I would like to say we can take them all, we know that is just not possible. So I just kept reminding myself, that our God loves them more than we do and He is caring for them.
I could go in great detail as to what it was like at the picnic, but that would take forever. Their will be faces that I never forget and heartache among certain children that I will never forget. But I think that is a good thing as God continues to work in me and aligning my heart with His!! Well, as the picnic went on we were asked to interact with as many children as possible so they had a memorable experience and that maybe even for a short time, they forgot they were in a system, but rather just kids hanging out at a park. While I interacted with different kids, I will be honest with you, I was looking at the younger ones or who would look like they fit best in our home. At one point, I had to step away to recompose myself. It is a tough situation to see all of these children that are without families! As I was walking back to the picnic, I noticed a girl sitting on the outskirts of the picnic all alone. I could tell she was part of the group, but not. She sat so sweetly holding her purse. I could tell she had gotten all ready for the event but felt uncomfortable. I decided I would be "polite" and go say hi. What I didn't expect was what happened next. God drew me to her. I was just going to be polite, but I was captivated by her sincerity and sweet soul. She started asking me a ton of questions about what type of child we wanted to adopt and if we would consider an older child. I sat their and answered questions that NO child should ever have to ask. She was searching for someone to want her. As we talked I kept thinking "but we can't do a child this old. It wouldn't work. 15 isn't what we signed up for? Dave will never go for it." All these things kept running through my head, but then I kept talking to her and thinking but God, she is yours. You don't see her age as a hindrance. She is your precious little girl, so are we willing to step out of our comfort zone to give her a basic need of a family? Our we willing to let go of what we see as normal, to seek what God desires?
Later after the picnic, I couldn't wait to tell Dave all about the picnic. I told him a few stories about a few of the kids, but the one I couldn't wait to tell him about was Alaura. I wept as I told him I knew I sounded crazy for considering it, but how do you say no? She was not close to any of our criteria, but if we 100% trust God, then we needed to see if this was His will. Now please know, that as Dave and I have discussed this we know we are far from wonderful parents. We have a lot to learn. But we also know that we can offer her a hope and a future in our Lord Jesus Christ that far surpasses all of our short comings. We know He will equip us as parents for a 15 year old. As we have prayed, we have asked God to close the doors if she is not ours, but if she is, to give us a peace that surpasses all understand that only God can provide. God has done this over and over!
Well, we were matched!! Which means, we will proceed forward to transition her to our family our family over the next few week, if that is something she wants. A social worker is going to meet with her once more to make sure that is what she really wants. How long this will take, probably a few weeks. We just don't know, but we are really seeking for God's perfect timing. We are scared, excited and don't even know what we are getting into, but trusting that this is God's will and He will guide us.
So now that you have read all this, you can see why this verse just reigns true!! What we thought best, was not what God's plans were at all. His plans far exceeded our desires! His thoughts are so much higher than ours!! We are humbled and amazed! We will keep you posted.
Excitedly waiting on what God does next!!!
Charlie's 1st birthday party!
Last weekend we had a party for Charlie's 1st birthday. We tried to keep the party geared towards children, but I couldn't help add some fun touches in for adults too. It was a beautiful day and we had such a good time with family and friends. We felt so blessed that they were willing to spend a Saturday afternoon with us. We wish we could have invited everyone, but we will save that for the 5th birthday party. :) The one thing I will do different for the next party, is make sure to bring batteries for my camera. Thanks to a few of my friends for taking pictures for me. So here are a few pictures from Charlie's birthday.
Here is the birthday girl! She really never stopped going the entire party so it was hard to get a picture of her sitting down.
Here is the birthday girl! She really never stopped going the entire party so it was hard to get a picture of her sitting down.
HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY CHARLIE!
Today we are celebrating Charlie's 1st birthday!! Well our family and some of our friends are celebrating Charlie's 1st birthday Saturday, but today we got to celebrate her birthday with the ones who gave her a birthday. So while my kids are napping I thought I would share a little.
Today we had Charlie's birthmother, grandmother and grandfather over to celebrate Charlie turning one. I knew it would be a great meeting but I often have to pray so that my heart is aligned with Gods. The reason I have to share today is because I am rejoicing alone in my quiet house for how faithful God is!!! "L" was in such bright spirits, she smiled like I haven't seen her smile. They all loved and hugged on Charlie and played with her. What I love is that they equally love on Kyler. We all shared lunch and just chatted like we are close friends. The type of friends that is easy. No awkward conversations, just a mutual respect for one another and i can honestly say we genuinely enjoy each other.
I am still in awe of how much they blessed us and lets just say my house looks like Christmas arrived early. But the sweetest gifts of all is a card from "L's" kids wishing Charlie a happy birthday.
When everyone left "L" and I got to share our hearts for a brief moment. I am still at a loss of how I can share my admiration and love for her. So today all I could tell her is that I hope one day she sees what we see and what God sees in her. I love that God has put her in my life. I love that I have these pictures to share with my kids as they get older. My cup runneth over!!
So today my heart is rejoicing for the work that the Lord has done!! This relationship is not from the work of a human heart but the heart of our Lord. Yahweh, you alone are worthy of all our praise!!
"Sing to him; sing praise to him; tell of his wonderful acts..." 1Chronicles 16:9
Today we had Charlie's birthmother, grandmother and grandfather over to celebrate Charlie turning one. I knew it would be a great meeting but I often have to pray so that my heart is aligned with Gods. The reason I have to share today is because I am rejoicing alone in my quiet house for how faithful God is!!! "L" was in such bright spirits, she smiled like I haven't seen her smile. They all loved and hugged on Charlie and played with her. What I love is that they equally love on Kyler. We all shared lunch and just chatted like we are close friends. The type of friends that is easy. No awkward conversations, just a mutual respect for one another and i can honestly say we genuinely enjoy each other.
I am still in awe of how much they blessed us and lets just say my house looks like Christmas arrived early. But the sweetest gifts of all is a card from "L's" kids wishing Charlie a happy birthday.
When everyone left "L" and I got to share our hearts for a brief moment. I am still at a loss of how I can share my admiration and love for her. So today all I could tell her is that I hope one day she sees what we see and what God sees in her. I love that God has put her in my life. I love that I have these pictures to share with my kids as they get older. My cup runneth over!!
So today my heart is rejoicing for the work that the Lord has done!! This relationship is not from the work of a human heart but the heart of our Lord. Yahweh, you alone are worthy of all our praise!!
"Sing to him; sing praise to him; tell of his wonderful acts..." 1Chronicles 16:9
A picture of adoption
I have this picture in my head that I often wish I really had a picture to share. It is truly one of the most precious moments of my life.
After about 4 days in the hospital with "L" and Charlie, we were getting to take our little girl home. The hospital room was me, Dave, Charlie, "L" and "C" (Charlie's birthmother and grandmother). We chatted throughout the flower filled room, but their was a quietness of what was to come. "L" would crack jokes and we would laugh all to help lessen the pain. A mother was about to say good-bye to her daughter and we knew we were about to be a part of it. We had a sense of relief to finally get to go home and enjoy our new baby, but we had to be in the moment and give everything we had to "L". She deserved every second and we wanted to soak it all in.
Finally the nurses came in, trying to be sympathetic to the situation but having no idea what to say or how to facilitate who was leaving in what car and who was taking the baby. I can't imagine their job or what they felt that day. I often wonder what their perception was of the whole situation, but I hope we glorified God and they got a glimpse of His beautiful love story.
We all agreed that we should go down together, we are forever united by one little girl. Dave and "C" decided to go down and pull both cars to the front of the hospital. When they walked back up together, "L" was put into a wheelchair. We all grabbed some flowers, but the nurse held Charlie and wasn't sure who to give her to. We had "L" hold her as she was wheeled down, Dave walking along side her. I stayed a few steps back while sharing with "C" that I admired her and her daughter and no words could ever thank them enough. I tried to tell her everything I could within the walk to the car. I wanted to tell her everything but knowing no matter what I said, couldn't take the pain of good-bye away and that she was about to go home and comfort her daughter. We finally arrived to the car and all I could think was, it is finished.
We strapped Charlie in to her car seat, both women kissed and loved on her for a lifetime. When "L" backed out of the car I looked at her and my heart wept for her. I held her like I have never held anyone else. This picture is entrenched in my brain. Their was a crowd near by that was watching and trying to examine the situation. A nurse stood quietly to the side trying to hide her tears. This moment was purely a God give moment. I truly felt as if heaven was rejoicing over "L" and celebrated her for her selfless heart. That our world would never be the same because of her sacrifices. I know it is silly, but I always thought if God had a camera, he would have framed this picture for His kingdom.
As we all drove away in seperate cars I knew that love would bring us back.
We are now getting ready to celebrate Charlie's first birthday in a few days. In a few days, both "C" and "L" will come and share a few hours with us and celebrate Charlie turning 1. And not just celebrate Charlie, but that our lives are all better for the events that took place a year ago. We have a bond that streghthens each of us and are walk with the Lord. When I think of Charlie and her adoption story my heart sings the praise, "O Lord, I sing for joy at the works of your hand!!" Psalm 92:4
After about 4 days in the hospital with "L" and Charlie, we were getting to take our little girl home. The hospital room was me, Dave, Charlie, "L" and "C" (Charlie's birthmother and grandmother). We chatted throughout the flower filled room, but their was a quietness of what was to come. "L" would crack jokes and we would laugh all to help lessen the pain. A mother was about to say good-bye to her daughter and we knew we were about to be a part of it. We had a sense of relief to finally get to go home and enjoy our new baby, but we had to be in the moment and give everything we had to "L". She deserved every second and we wanted to soak it all in.
Finally the nurses came in, trying to be sympathetic to the situation but having no idea what to say or how to facilitate who was leaving in what car and who was taking the baby. I can't imagine their job or what they felt that day. I often wonder what their perception was of the whole situation, but I hope we glorified God and they got a glimpse of His beautiful love story.
We all agreed that we should go down together, we are forever united by one little girl. Dave and "C" decided to go down and pull both cars to the front of the hospital. When they walked back up together, "L" was put into a wheelchair. We all grabbed some flowers, but the nurse held Charlie and wasn't sure who to give her to. We had "L" hold her as she was wheeled down, Dave walking along side her. I stayed a few steps back while sharing with "C" that I admired her and her daughter and no words could ever thank them enough. I tried to tell her everything I could within the walk to the car. I wanted to tell her everything but knowing no matter what I said, couldn't take the pain of good-bye away and that she was about to go home and comfort her daughter. We finally arrived to the car and all I could think was, it is finished.
We strapped Charlie in to her car seat, both women kissed and loved on her for a lifetime. When "L" backed out of the car I looked at her and my heart wept for her. I held her like I have never held anyone else. This picture is entrenched in my brain. Their was a crowd near by that was watching and trying to examine the situation. A nurse stood quietly to the side trying to hide her tears. This moment was purely a God give moment. I truly felt as if heaven was rejoicing over "L" and celebrated her for her selfless heart. That our world would never be the same because of her sacrifices. I know it is silly, but I always thought if God had a camera, he would have framed this picture for His kingdom.
As we all drove away in seperate cars I knew that love would bring us back.
We are now getting ready to celebrate Charlie's first birthday in a few days. In a few days, both "C" and "L" will come and share a few hours with us and celebrate Charlie turning 1. And not just celebrate Charlie, but that our lives are all better for the events that took place a year ago. We have a bond that streghthens each of us and are walk with the Lord. When I think of Charlie and her adoption story my heart sings the praise, "O Lord, I sing for joy at the works of your hand!!" Psalm 92:4
"Are you interested?"
As we go through the adoption process through the county, I will share as I feel God leads. Right now we are in the waiting stages. Although all the homestudies, backgrounds and paperwork are complete, this is not the easy stage of the process. It can actually be one of the most difficult because there is nothing to work on...it is strictly a time to pray and see what God desires. He calls us to "be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
Last week we were called to see if we would be interested in a child. I will leave out specifics in the interest of protecting all involved. But when I receive a call like this, what I hear is...
Do you promise to love this child with an unconditional love? Do you promise to protect her at all costs? Do you promise to provide for her, for her whole life? Are you committing your whole heart now, without even knowing who she is? Are you willing to love her now, knowing she may never come to your home?
So the question is not are we interested?? It is more, are we willing? The minute we said yes, we were saying yes to all of these questions. Which means, during the couple of days we waited to find out if she was coming to our home, we envisioned our life with her. Transforming our minds to include her in our family, knowing full well that we may not be picked. Knowing that if she went somewhere else, our hearts would be broken. Dave and I feel like you have to have your whole heart in each situation if you are going into this process. It can be exhausting but his child deserves that!
Friday, we found out she went to another home. We know that for those short days she was brought into our life for a reason. Whether God wanted us to be praying for her or if He was using her to prepare our hearts, we don't know. But we know God has a purpose and a plan. And His plan is perfect.
So today, we go back to waiting and praying. Praying for patience and for God's will. For our hearts to be prepared for what is to come and for the protection of our child or children.
To my special friends that are in this exact stage right now ( you know who you are) , I am also praying for your families and children. May God bring you a perfect peace!
Last week we were called to see if we would be interested in a child. I will leave out specifics in the interest of protecting all involved. But when I receive a call like this, what I hear is...
Do you promise to love this child with an unconditional love? Do you promise to protect her at all costs? Do you promise to provide for her, for her whole life? Are you committing your whole heart now, without even knowing who she is? Are you willing to love her now, knowing she may never come to your home?
So the question is not are we interested?? It is more, are we willing? The minute we said yes, we were saying yes to all of these questions. Which means, during the couple of days we waited to find out if she was coming to our home, we envisioned our life with her. Transforming our minds to include her in our family, knowing full well that we may not be picked. Knowing that if she went somewhere else, our hearts would be broken. Dave and I feel like you have to have your whole heart in each situation if you are going into this process. It can be exhausting but his child deserves that!
Friday, we found out she went to another home. We know that for those short days she was brought into our life for a reason. Whether God wanted us to be praying for her or if He was using her to prepare our hearts, we don't know. But we know God has a purpose and a plan. And His plan is perfect.
So today, we go back to waiting and praying. Praying for patience and for God's will. For our hearts to be prepared for what is to come and for the protection of our child or children.
To my special friends that are in this exact stage right now ( you know who you are) , I am also praying for your families and children. May God bring you a perfect peace!
"Sorry, you are not his listed mother"...
So Kyler is 2 years old, his adoption has been finalized for a year now. But we still have a birth certificate that has his name given by his birth parents and no social security card. Let me clarify something real quick, Dave and I have never needed a piece of paper that declares we are his parents, to know that we are. We didn't even do a big celebration when his adoption was finalized because he was already ours. We were just happy that the state finally recognized it.
So what is the purpose of this post you ask. Well, this week, after several attempts with vital records, we found out paperwork was misplaced and so there is no paperwork for Kyler to receive a new birth certificate with his current name and us listed as the parents. Which is also the way we would obtain a new social security card for him. So while we are trying to get new paperwork to vital records for a new birth certificate (waiting time is 6 months) I thought I would beg and plead at the social security office to see if they could work with me. I brought my entire file with every original signature and anything and everything they could possible ask me for. The clerk was extremely helpful, but she could only do so much without his new birth certificate listing us as the parents. I was disappointed but I understood. However, I finally sat in the office and just cried when she said, " I am sorry but you are not his listed mother and she is the only one who has authorization." Usually, things like this don't upset me, I know she wasn't saying it to be hurtful. But today, this cut and it cut deep. After, two years of being the only mom his has ever known, our system still doesn't acknowledge me. I have a problem with that!!
When I left, I felt defeated. But I had to remember that just earlier that day my friend Debbie prayed for this very scenario and I have to remember that God controls all of this. Not me, not our system! I then had another friend Brittany who prayed with me as I was driving home. I have to thank these two women because they are both in the midst of chaos and yet the took the time to intercede on my behalf. It awesome to have friends like that.
So today is a new day! I have to choose whom I will serve. And I know that we serve a mighty God who is not defeated but knows every reason for each obstacle we face. I am thankful that these are not my problems to fix, but it is just up to me to trust that our God is in control!
So what is the purpose of this post you ask. Well, this week, after several attempts with vital records, we found out paperwork was misplaced and so there is no paperwork for Kyler to receive a new birth certificate with his current name and us listed as the parents. Which is also the way we would obtain a new social security card for him. So while we are trying to get new paperwork to vital records for a new birth certificate (waiting time is 6 months) I thought I would beg and plead at the social security office to see if they could work with me. I brought my entire file with every original signature and anything and everything they could possible ask me for. The clerk was extremely helpful, but she could only do so much without his new birth certificate listing us as the parents. I was disappointed but I understood. However, I finally sat in the office and just cried when she said, " I am sorry but you are not his listed mother and she is the only one who has authorization." Usually, things like this don't upset me, I know she wasn't saying it to be hurtful. But today, this cut and it cut deep. After, two years of being the only mom his has ever known, our system still doesn't acknowledge me. I have a problem with that!!
When I left, I felt defeated. But I had to remember that just earlier that day my friend Debbie prayed for this very scenario and I have to remember that God controls all of this. Not me, not our system! I then had another friend Brittany who prayed with me as I was driving home. I have to thank these two women because they are both in the midst of chaos and yet the took the time to intercede on my behalf. It awesome to have friends like that.
So today is a new day! I have to choose whom I will serve. And I know that we serve a mighty God who is not defeated but knows every reason for each obstacle we face. I am thankful that these are not my problems to fix, but it is just up to me to trust that our God is in control!
Adoption Credit - relief!!!
So one of the first things I am asked when people hear we adopted two children is "is it expensive?". Well if I am being honest, if you adopt internationally or independently, it is. However, we spend more and other less valuable things!! Like I have said before, adoption is God's design and if it is His will, then He will provide the tools. Money is just how God has grown our faith throughout the process.
One of the ways God provided to tools for us to adopt was the Adoption Credit that is provided for our government. The laws changes constantly, but as of right now the credit just went up to approximately $13,000.00, but it is supposed to end this year. This credit really helped relieve some of the burden of state fees, lawyers, and additional adoption fees. Now the IRS doesn't just hand you over the money and say thank you for adopting. That would be too easy!!! In fact, we are still working on collecting the remaining credit due to us for Kyler's adoption. I will spare you the details of what has to be done to actually receive this credit.
The main reason I am writing this post is because I am so relieved today!!! This year, when we submitted the documentation and information requested to receive the remaining credit for Kyler's adoption, we were notified that we were being audited. We couldn't believe it!! I felt like a criminal. The IRS notified me that the audit could take up to a year and to stop calling them. In the meantime I had to resubmit all documentation for the audit department and copies of all cleared checks and an explanation for all the costs. Now, I know it doesn't sound that terrible, but it is not the easiest things to gather and send in, when we are talking about checks and paperwork from back in 08 and 09 all while trying to take care of Charlie's adoption paperwork and still take care of my kids. :)
Well, we filed our taxes the first week in February and finally today I called (like I always do) and to my surprise they told me that our case was closed and that it should only take another month or so to receive the credit! I was so happy I couldn't stop thanking the IRS representative!! I text Dave as soon as I heard. Finally, one less project to work on!!! I am just so thankful that we are almost 100% complete with Kyler's adoption and can retire the paperwork. Some of you may be asking, "I thought you were done with his adoption?". Well, we are, but I am still trying to get a new birth certificate for him and a social security number. But this battle I am ready for because I feel like one battle has been won. :)
So in all of this, God is teaching me patience. I am not a patient person and that is something God is really trying to drive home in me. But on a positive note, next year when we claim Charlie's adoption credit, at least I will be prepared for an audit. I have it ready to send in now!!
So today, was a good day!
One of the ways God provided to tools for us to adopt was the Adoption Credit that is provided for our government. The laws changes constantly, but as of right now the credit just went up to approximately $13,000.00, but it is supposed to end this year. This credit really helped relieve some of the burden of state fees, lawyers, and additional adoption fees. Now the IRS doesn't just hand you over the money and say thank you for adopting. That would be too easy!!! In fact, we are still working on collecting the remaining credit due to us for Kyler's adoption. I will spare you the details of what has to be done to actually receive this credit.
The main reason I am writing this post is because I am so relieved today!!! This year, when we submitted the documentation and information requested to receive the remaining credit for Kyler's adoption, we were notified that we were being audited. We couldn't believe it!! I felt like a criminal. The IRS notified me that the audit could take up to a year and to stop calling them. In the meantime I had to resubmit all documentation for the audit department and copies of all cleared checks and an explanation for all the costs. Now, I know it doesn't sound that terrible, but it is not the easiest things to gather and send in, when we are talking about checks and paperwork from back in 08 and 09 all while trying to take care of Charlie's adoption paperwork and still take care of my kids. :)
Well, we filed our taxes the first week in February and finally today I called (like I always do) and to my surprise they told me that our case was closed and that it should only take another month or so to receive the credit! I was so happy I couldn't stop thanking the IRS representative!! I text Dave as soon as I heard. Finally, one less project to work on!!! I am just so thankful that we are almost 100% complete with Kyler's adoption and can retire the paperwork. Some of you may be asking, "I thought you were done with his adoption?". Well, we are, but I am still trying to get a new birth certificate for him and a social security number. But this battle I am ready for because I feel like one battle has been won. :)
So in all of this, God is teaching me patience. I am not a patient person and that is something God is really trying to drive home in me. But on a positive note, next year when we claim Charlie's adoption credit, at least I will be prepared for an audit. I have it ready to send in now!!
So today, was a good day!
Ready for number 3? maybe even 4?
We are back in the game!!! again!!! Yes, we have decided if are going to have kids, lets make sure we have an army. Well, maybe not an army, but enough to make us a festive family. What that magic number is we don't really know. It could be 3, 4 or maybe more. hahah That is the exciting part of waiting on God. We will see what He has for us.
We have completed our 3rd homestudy!!! We now are just waiting on the county for the final approval to receive our license to foster/adopt. So at this point, all we do is wait! This is going to be a little (or a lot) different for us this time around because we decided to go the foster/adopt route. We have loved the Adoption Center of San Diego and we have been really blessed by Sarah the Director. We have just been directed in a different path this time. Although we are choosing to adopt through the county we going through Koinonia Family Services. They are an agency that helps out our county offices with placing the excessive amount of children in our foster care system. We are loving working with Koinonia and their staff! They have been amazing and are so helpful to us. In fact, they make it enjoyable to attend all the trainings and make the homestudies so comfortable. We are feeling really blessed that God directed us to them. In fact, when we were praying about which direction to go, within a couple of weeks, Koinonia came up 5 different times from random friends!!! God was really clear!
Our foster care system is unpredictable and uncertain, so we are really trusting God at this point. I will be honest, our system is one of the scariest things to me. But our hope is not in our system! We are trusting that God already knows exactly who are children are and the battles we are going to endure on their behalf. May His will be done!
We have completed our 3rd homestudy!!! We now are just waiting on the county for the final approval to receive our license to foster/adopt. So at this point, all we do is wait! This is going to be a little (or a lot) different for us this time around because we decided to go the foster/adopt route. We have loved the Adoption Center of San Diego and we have been really blessed by Sarah the Director. We have just been directed in a different path this time. Although we are choosing to adopt through the county we going through Koinonia Family Services. They are an agency that helps out our county offices with placing the excessive amount of children in our foster care system. We are loving working with Koinonia and their staff! They have been amazing and are so helpful to us. In fact, they make it enjoyable to attend all the trainings and make the homestudies so comfortable. We are feeling really blessed that God directed us to them. In fact, when we were praying about which direction to go, within a couple of weeks, Koinonia came up 5 different times from random friends!!! God was really clear!
Our foster care system is unpredictable and uncertain, so we are really trusting God at this point. I will be honest, our system is one of the scariest things to me. But our hope is not in our system! We are trusting that God already knows exactly who are children are and the battles we are going to endure on their behalf. May His will be done!
Happy 2nd Birthday Kyler James!!
We actually didn't know about our precious little boy until the day after he was born. We received a phone call that we were chosen by a birthmother and her original due date was in July, but surprise he was born last night!!! It was one of the sweetest moments of our life. To keep a long story short, we didn't end up getting to see him until a week later because he was about 5 weeks early. When we finally got to meet him he was only 4lbs 20z but we were going to get to do an overnight stay in the hospital with him and take him home the next day. I can honestly say, that this was the most precious times in all my life. I will cherish those memories for my all of my days!!!
"I prayed for this child and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him." 1Samuel 1:27
"I prayed for this child and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him." 1Samuel 1:27
Two years later I am more in love with Kyler than I was the day I met him. I didn't think that was possible. You have my whole heart my love!!
Happy 2nd Birthday Kyler!! We love you so much!
Kyler James Herren
Long Weekend!!
I usually like to stick with positive posts or at least have an upbeat twist to my posts, but today I am tired. (I wrote this last night). These last two weeks have been wonderful but I have also had a heavy heart. To be honest, I know a lot of that heaviness has to do with my devotion time, or lack of it. I was hesitant to post this, but this is also real life.
So here it goes...as I have posted before, I love and want to honor both of our children's birth families, but that doesn't always mean things are perfect and I am FAR from perfect. Sometimes I let my selfishness take over me. But I also believe that God has given me these situations so that He can deal with my issues. Where I am going with this is May is a very significant month in my life, but that also means that it is significant in my children's birth family's life. May starts off with Birthmother's Day, Mother's day and also ends with it being Kyler's birthday. Knowing that this is can be a difficult month for both birthmother's also leaves me with a burdened heart. I sometimes wonder, as much as I love them, will my heart be burdened like this every year? If it is, does it get better? With my happiness, will I always have a sense of grief for them? I have noticed that I have been overwhelmed with excitement this month, but I have also had an underlining sense of sadness. I am ready for it to pass now!! So I think that is why I am also ready to write about it.
Well, knowing this can be an emotional month, Dave and I designated the last two weekends to our birthmothers. One last weekend and one this weekend.
(in case you were wondering, no we are not required to do these visits, but for us, we feel it is the right thing to do and it is the least we can do. I get this question a lot)
They are always great visits and we usually come away with them feeling content with the visit and glad we did them. But, that doesn't mean that I am always feeling that way before hand. I pray a ton the week before a visit and pray that each visit is beneficial to them and for our children. My heart is usually restless and heavy a week before and it usually progresses as the time gets closer. I never have pinpointed exactly what causes this uneasiness. Please don't let this discourage you from adopting or having an open adoption. Not are all like this, it is not anyone's fault and I feel God gave me these certain circumstances to work on my inadequacies.
So both visits are complete, were very special, and I am glad we were able to do it. We even met with some family that we had not met before, which was really special. We were able to answer questions for them and give them a peace about the adoption. I feel so privileged to be able to do that. Dave and I know we were put in these family's lives for a reason, so we just continue to go where we believe God is leading us. Regardless of how I may feel.
Now as this week begins, I am starting new. "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 I am looking forward to celebrating Kyler's 2nd birthday and reflecting on how much our lives have changed in the last two years. We don't have a big party planned, but we celebrating as if it is. After all, with kids, you give them some cake and balloons and it is wonderful! I know that throughout the day, T will slip in and out of my mind but I am praying now for her heart to be comforted in knowing that she gave him the best. I know that me alone can't fix or heal anything, but by giving it to our Heavenly Father, I know he will do more for her than I ever could. That I can be confident in.
So today I want to remember that "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
So here it goes...as I have posted before, I love and want to honor both of our children's birth families, but that doesn't always mean things are perfect and I am FAR from perfect. Sometimes I let my selfishness take over me. But I also believe that God has given me these situations so that He can deal with my issues. Where I am going with this is May is a very significant month in my life, but that also means that it is significant in my children's birth family's life. May starts off with Birthmother's Day, Mother's day and also ends with it being Kyler's birthday. Knowing that this is can be a difficult month for both birthmother's also leaves me with a burdened heart. I sometimes wonder, as much as I love them, will my heart be burdened like this every year? If it is, does it get better? With my happiness, will I always have a sense of grief for them? I have noticed that I have been overwhelmed with excitement this month, but I have also had an underlining sense of sadness. I am ready for it to pass now!! So I think that is why I am also ready to write about it.
Well, knowing this can be an emotional month, Dave and I designated the last two weekends to our birthmothers. One last weekend and one this weekend.
(in case you were wondering, no we are not required to do these visits, but for us, we feel it is the right thing to do and it is the least we can do. I get this question a lot)
They are always great visits and we usually come away with them feeling content with the visit and glad we did them. But, that doesn't mean that I am always feeling that way before hand. I pray a ton the week before a visit and pray that each visit is beneficial to them and for our children. My heart is usually restless and heavy a week before and it usually progresses as the time gets closer. I never have pinpointed exactly what causes this uneasiness. Please don't let this discourage you from adopting or having an open adoption. Not are all like this, it is not anyone's fault and I feel God gave me these certain circumstances to work on my inadequacies.
So both visits are complete, were very special, and I am glad we were able to do it. We even met with some family that we had not met before, which was really special. We were able to answer questions for them and give them a peace about the adoption. I feel so privileged to be able to do that. Dave and I know we were put in these family's lives for a reason, so we just continue to go where we believe God is leading us. Regardless of how I may feel.
Now as this week begins, I am starting new. "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 I am looking forward to celebrating Kyler's 2nd birthday and reflecting on how much our lives have changed in the last two years. We don't have a big party planned, but we celebrating as if it is. After all, with kids, you give them some cake and balloons and it is wonderful! I know that throughout the day, T will slip in and out of my mind but I am praying now for her heart to be comforted in knowing that she gave him the best. I know that me alone can't fix or heal anything, but by giving it to our Heavenly Father, I know he will do more for her than I ever could. That I can be confident in.
So today I want to remember that "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
Charlie's Baby Dedication
"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6
On May 15th, 2011 we dedicated our daughter Charlie to the Lord. Charlie was dedicated by Pastor Jack at Calvary Chapel Chino Hills. By dedicating our children, we are promising to raise our children in the ways of the Lord and to do everything we can to build their relationship with Jesus. We feel so blessed to go to one of the most awesome bible teaching churches! It is such a privledge to call this our home church. Here are a few pictures from the service.
Waiting to go up on stage.
Charlie went straight for Pastor Jack's microphone!
Pastor Jack praying for Charlie!
Kyler did the best he could, but he was more interested in going outside. Oh well!
Our family with Pastor Jack
On May 15th, 2011 we dedicated our daughter Charlie to the Lord. Charlie was dedicated by Pastor Jack at Calvary Chapel Chino Hills. By dedicating our children, we are promising to raise our children in the ways of the Lord and to do everything we can to build their relationship with Jesus. We feel so blessed to go to one of the most awesome bible teaching churches! It is such a privledge to call this our home church. Here are a few pictures from the service.
Waiting to go up on stage.
Charlie went straight for Pastor Jack's microphone!
Pastor Jack praying for Charlie!
Kyler did the best he could, but he was more interested in going outside. Oh well!
Our family with Pastor Jack
A Commitment for Mother's Day
As I was reading today, I came across this verse:
"O Lord Almighty,if you will look down upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime." 1Samuel 1:11 I think this verse is so beautiful and I can understand Hannah's heart felt prayer. But Hannah was true to her word and when she was blessed with, her son, Samuel she dedicated her son back to the Lord and surrendered him for his whole life. I can't even imagine that kind of love and faithfulness.
It wasn't that long ago, that Mother's Day was a little awkward and I would have to smile and say thank you when strangers would wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Or I would have to answer the questions, "why don't you have kids?" So if that is where I am meeting you right now, I am committed to praying for you. I know Mother's Day can be a tough.
Today, Mother's day is uniquely special to me. I never thought I would be more excited to celebrate Mother's Day over my birthday or any other holiday, but I am. My heart just rejoices that the Lord has blessed me with the privilege to have stewardship of His children. And I think at the same time it rejoices, it breaks. It breaks for all the ways I have failed or not done the best I could have.
So as Mother's day approaches, for Mother's Day, I am writing my heartfelt commitment to my children.
Kyler and Charlie,
Today I commit my life to the Lord first so that you will know how much you are loved. That you will always know that as much as I love you, Jesus loves you more. I don't understand it, but He gave His life to prove it. I owe it to you to "acknowledge Him in all my ways" Proverbs 3:6 so that I may be the mother you need to ultimately live a life for His purpose. That you may live a life that will radically change those around you. I pray that I can raise you with the confidence to go to the ends of the earth and proclaim the gospel. To have a confidence that I have always dreamed of. I pray that your boldness is undeniable, but your heart is full of compassion. I am committing today,to love you, even when you don't love me back. To always pray for you. To pray for your future friends, husbands and wives. I am committed to loving you so much that I will say no, even if all the moms are saying yes. I am committed to not being the cool mom, but the mom who cares more about your well being. I am committed to losing sleep, so that I can pray for you when you need it most. I commit my time and desires to be for your well being. I am committing that you will always know your value in my life. I am committed to your father. Lastly, I am committing your lives back to the Lord. I know I will fail at these things everyday, but He never will fail you and I am committed to teaching you that.
My precious babies, I love you always!!
I pray that where ever you are today in your life, children are grown,not yet born, in another home, at home with the Lord, or yanking at your feet right now, that you have a Happy Mother's day!!
"O Lord Almighty,if you will look down upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime." 1Samuel 1:11 I think this verse is so beautiful and I can understand Hannah's heart felt prayer. But Hannah was true to her word and when she was blessed with, her son, Samuel she dedicated her son back to the Lord and surrendered him for his whole life. I can't even imagine that kind of love and faithfulness.
It wasn't that long ago, that Mother's Day was a little awkward and I would have to smile and say thank you when strangers would wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Or I would have to answer the questions, "why don't you have kids?" So if that is where I am meeting you right now, I am committed to praying for you. I know Mother's Day can be a tough.
Today, Mother's day is uniquely special to me. I never thought I would be more excited to celebrate Mother's Day over my birthday or any other holiday, but I am. My heart just rejoices that the Lord has blessed me with the privilege to have stewardship of His children. And I think at the same time it rejoices, it breaks. It breaks for all the ways I have failed or not done the best I could have.
So as Mother's day approaches, for Mother's Day, I am writing my heartfelt commitment to my children.
Kyler and Charlie,
Today I commit my life to the Lord first so that you will know how much you are loved. That you will always know that as much as I love you, Jesus loves you more. I don't understand it, but He gave His life to prove it. I owe it to you to "acknowledge Him in all my ways" Proverbs 3:6 so that I may be the mother you need to ultimately live a life for His purpose. That you may live a life that will radically change those around you. I pray that I can raise you with the confidence to go to the ends of the earth and proclaim the gospel. To have a confidence that I have always dreamed of. I pray that your boldness is undeniable, but your heart is full of compassion. I am committing today,to love you, even when you don't love me back. To always pray for you. To pray for your future friends, husbands and wives. I am committed to loving you so much that I will say no, even if all the moms are saying yes. I am committed to not being the cool mom, but the mom who cares more about your well being. I am committed to losing sleep, so that I can pray for you when you need it most. I commit my time and desires to be for your well being. I am committing that you will always know your value in my life. I am committed to your father. Lastly, I am committing your lives back to the Lord. I know I will fail at these things everyday, but He never will fail you and I am committed to teaching you that.
My precious babies, I love you always!!
I pray that where ever you are today in your life, children are grown,not yet born, in another home, at home with the Lord, or yanking at your feet right now, that you have a Happy Mother's day!!
Happy Birthmother's Day!
To the women who allowed me to celebrate Mother's Day,
Happy Birthmother's Day!!
Happy Birthmother's Day!!
"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." John 15:13
I can't imagine your strength and selflessness, but I thank God for it!
I can't imagine, the tears you have shed, but I thank God that He is with you!
I can't imagine loving so much, only to let go, but I thank God for that love!
I can't imagine how you found us worthy, but I thank God for your favor!
I can't imagine how to thank you, but I pray I can try!
I want you to know how your decisions have magnified my life and love for Christ. Your decisions have made me want to be a better person, and mother. You have taught me so much, and I continue to be amazed on how much you are teaching me. Thank you, for allowing us to be a part of the most precious love story.
So it is with Love, Respect and Honor
We wish you a Happy Birthmother's Day!
Friendship Fridays!
So today being Good Friday, I thought it would be appropriate to make this "Friendship Friday" about the greatest friend of all! A friend that will never leave us or forsake us. A friend that loves us, even if we refuse to acknowledge Him. In fact, he loves us so much he was willing to lay down his life for us! And not just lay down His life, but suffered, was rejected, humiliated all so that we didn't have to. His name is JESUS! What an amazing love!!!
My prayer today is that if this friendship is one sided, get to know Him. You will have no greater friend or love in Christ!
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13
My prayer today is that if this friendship is one sided, get to know Him. You will have no greater friend or love in Christ!
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13
Friendship Fridays!
Today I selected the Williams Family for my Friendship Fridays blog. I chose this picture because this family really touches my heart when I see them on Sundays. I went to high school with Heather and we really hadn't seen each other until recently. Like most we reconnected on Facebook. We had shared a few emails and phone conversations. Now what makes them so special to me, is that they are encouragement of how much God is working. I invited Heather to come to our church and check it out. Her daughter Katherine had been asking to go so she thought this would be a great opportunity. Heather didn't realize how much I had been praying and asked others to pray, that this would be a life changing experience. That they would know how much God loves them!
Well, Heather and her family visited the church and I wasn't sure what they were going to think or if they were ever going to come back. To my surprise, they started coming on Wednesday nights, Sundays and even started going to some extra encouraging studies. Not long ago I received one of the sweetest voicemails I have ever gotten, from Heather.
I have always felt unqualified to speak about God's love and about his faithfulness. After all, I am a pastor's kid who fell away for so long and did everything opposite of what God wanted of me. So when I see this beautiful family at church and learning the bible, I am encouraged! I just love how Heather and Duke are starting to build a family on Christ. They truly have blessed me!
Happy Friday!!
Heather, her husband Duke, Amanda, Katherine and Hunter
Well, Heather and her family visited the church and I wasn't sure what they were going to think or if they were ever going to come back. To my surprise, they started coming on Wednesday nights, Sundays and even started going to some extra encouraging studies. Not long ago I received one of the sweetest voicemails I have ever gotten, from Heather.
I have always felt unqualified to speak about God's love and about his faithfulness. After all, I am a pastor's kid who fell away for so long and did everything opposite of what God wanted of me. So when I see this beautiful family at church and learning the bible, I am encouraged! I just love how Heather and Duke are starting to build a family on Christ. They truly have blessed me!
Happy Friday!!
Heather, her husband Duke, Amanda, Katherine and Hunter
Am I willing to sacrifice for "the kid with the story no one would believe"?
This song has been really tugging at my heart lately. I hear it on the radio all the time, but if I stop and meditate on these words...
"He cries in the corner where nobody sees,
he's the kid with the story no one would believe
he prays every night, "Dear God won't you please,
could you send someone here who will love me?
who will love me for me?
not for what I have done or what I will become?
who will love me for me?
cause nobody has shown me what love, what really means" JJ Heller
this is not just a song, but a call to action. What will I do to respond?
For some reason I feel like this song is a constant challenge to me. Am I willing to sacrifice some of my comforts to satisfy a child's desperate desire for love? To give a child an opportunity that they may not receive else where? An opportunity to grow up in a home that will teach them about the God that loves them so much He took it to the cross. Am I willing to let the want for nice cars go? pretty clothes? a clean house? sleep? social workers evaluating our families every move? our lives under a microscope? Am I willing to give it all to God and truly surrender? To surrender it all for His will? To be a Mary and respond as she did. "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Luke 1:38. I know I want to be the person who would say yes to all these questions, but I know I am not.
As Dave and I continue to pursue the adoption process, once again, I am in continuous prayer that the Lord will break my heart for what breaks His. I need a constant reminder that we are doing the right thing and in God's will. I think that God has placed this song on my heart for that very purpose.
Did you know about Birthmother's Day?
Well, I know this post is about a month early but why not do it now? It was this time last year that I remember getting really sentimental. Our son's first birthday was approaching, his adoption was being finalized and it was going to be my first Mother's Day. Anyone can understand why I would be getting excited and emotional. But most didn't know that with my extreme excitement also came a little sadness. I had nothing to be sad about, but another woman did. I just couldn't stop thinking about Kyler's birthmother T.
Although I know T made the best decision for herself, her family, Kyler and us didn't mean she didn't hurt at times. I knew this would be one of those times. I knew that every time I would get excited about Mother's Day or Kyler's birthday, there was someone else who was reflecting on the most difficult decision of her life. Just because she placed Kyler with us, doesn't disqualify her as a mother. She may not parent him, but she will always be the mother who carried him. You may think that is weird of me to say or even wrong. But I know I am the woman Kyler will always call Mom, but she will always be the one who gave him life. I can't deny her that!
In order to acknowledge T and her decision and priceless gift we do celebrate Birthmother's Day. Most don't know about Birthmother's day, I know I had never heard of it before Kyler. I know I have never seen a Hallmark card wishing someone "A Wonderful Birthmother's Day". Have you?? So what is it you ask? Well, I am no expert but here is what I know about the day.
From what I know, Birthmother's Day was established by a group of women in Washington in 1990. It originated to help celebrate birthmother's the day before Mother's day, which can be a very difficult day. It is a day to reflect and honor the choice that was made. To give honor to the women who made the ultimate sacrifice on behalf of their child. After all, I couldn't celebrate a Mother's Day without our birthmother.
So if you may know a woman who has placed a baby for adoption recently or years ago, maybe this year can be the year that you give her honor is some way. Even if you have no idea of where she is, you still have the ability to pray and thank God for her.
A Heart for Adoption
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:5
Kyler's 2nd birthday is approaching us in just a two short months and Charlie just turned 6 months. People ask me all the time is it hard having two babies so close in age?
My answer is "sometimes".
But it is my joy to serve the God who gave them to me and so I pray that I honor Him in the way I am raising my kids.
So with two babies so close in age, why is adoption still so heavy on my heart? This question is not a question I or Dave can answer. This one you will have to take up with God. I don't choose to have my heart break at the thought of a child in need or who lacks stability. It just does. I will be honest, I even went through a month when I was almost consumed with grief for our children in the system.
The only difference between this situation and our last two adoptions is now are focus is different. Before our ministry was for women who had chosen life and we wanted to be a part of their journey. We have had a shift in our focus. Now our heart is for children in the foster-care system. We are called as Christians to provide and take care of them. "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." James 1:27 Please understand that I am not saying that everyone needs to go and sign up today to bring a child into their home, but we are called to provide for them. Only God can reveal that to you in His perfect time.
I want to say a huge THANK YOU to THE ELKINS FAMILY and THE ADAMS FAMILY who have provided for these unnamed children by assisting us with childcare while we pursue this ministry. We also owe a huge THANK YOU to our family for supporting us while we venture out on unknown territory with us and continue to support us even if it doesn't make sense.
Their are so many days I wake up and think to myself "what are we thinking"? But that is how I know this is strictly a God thing. It would be so easy to stop now and just have our little family of four. But we feel like God has taken two very unlikely people and put this on our heart. Just when we think we are going to put it off, God keeps opening doors and affirming His plans. Although I don't know what He has in store for us I keep remembering "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:6
Kyler's 2nd birthday is approaching us in just a two short months and Charlie just turned 6 months. People ask me all the time is it hard having two babies so close in age?
My answer is "sometimes".
But it is my joy to serve the God who gave them to me and so I pray that I honor Him in the way I am raising my kids.
So with two babies so close in age, why is adoption still so heavy on my heart? This question is not a question I or Dave can answer. This one you will have to take up with God. I don't choose to have my heart break at the thought of a child in need or who lacks stability. It just does. I will be honest, I even went through a month when I was almost consumed with grief for our children in the system.
The only difference between this situation and our last two adoptions is now are focus is different. Before our ministry was for women who had chosen life and we wanted to be a part of their journey. We have had a shift in our focus. Now our heart is for children in the foster-care system. We are called as Christians to provide and take care of them. "Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." James 1:27 Please understand that I am not saying that everyone needs to go and sign up today to bring a child into their home, but we are called to provide for them. Only God can reveal that to you in His perfect time.
I want to say a huge THANK YOU to THE ELKINS FAMILY and THE ADAMS FAMILY who have provided for these unnamed children by assisting us with childcare while we pursue this ministry. We also owe a huge THANK YOU to our family for supporting us while we venture out on unknown territory with us and continue to support us even if it doesn't make sense.
Their are so many days I wake up and think to myself "what are we thinking"? But that is how I know this is strictly a God thing. It would be so easy to stop now and just have our little family of four. But we feel like God has taken two very unlikely people and put this on our heart. Just when we think we are going to put it off, God keeps opening doors and affirming His plans. Although I don't know what He has in store for us I keep remembering "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:6
"I wish I could fix it"
My children's birthmothers are never far from my mind. I didn't stop loving them the day they gave me their most precious gift. You could even say I have never stopped grieving with them. Yes, I am a mother now, but so are they in their hearts. They gave my babies life! And for that, I want to ALWAYS honor them!
I think of them when I am about to complain, when I am tired or reminisce of simpler times. I am quickly reminded of the cost that my children came. That my blessings came with a price. A price that I could never repay.
I received a phone call from L. last night. Yes, we have an open relationship with our birthmothers. She just needed to hear how everything was going and how Charlie was doing. So many think that this is just too hard on everyone, but I see it as such an easy request. After all, don't we all need to be reassured sometimes that we made the right choice? So I gave her an update and shared how well she is doing. That she should be so proud.
She wept.
Today I have had such a grieved heart about this. I wish I could take the pain away for her. She knows that. I have actually asked her, how I can best help her. But I have to remind myself, that I can't fix anything. My words, my comfort and my love will just leave her empty and desiring more. All I can offer her is the hope and love of our Wonderous Redeemer. "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 And that our Lord has not left her that "He is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
I love that we have a God that cares when our hearts are heavy and saddened. That He wants the absolute best for us "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
L. is a wonderful woman and she is a wonderful mother. She always tells me she knows she made the best choice, but she has her difficult moments (I think we all do). In the last couple of years I feel like God is teaching me so much through these two birthmothers. Lessons I would have never learned if I was taught any other way. I have a lot to be thankful for.
I think of them when I am about to complain, when I am tired or reminisce of simpler times. I am quickly reminded of the cost that my children came. That my blessings came with a price. A price that I could never repay.
I received a phone call from L. last night. Yes, we have an open relationship with our birthmothers. She just needed to hear how everything was going and how Charlie was doing. So many think that this is just too hard on everyone, but I see it as such an easy request. After all, don't we all need to be reassured sometimes that we made the right choice? So I gave her an update and shared how well she is doing. That she should be so proud.
She wept.
Today I have had such a grieved heart about this. I wish I could take the pain away for her. She knows that. I have actually asked her, how I can best help her. But I have to remind myself, that I can't fix anything. My words, my comfort and my love will just leave her empty and desiring more. All I can offer her is the hope and love of our Wonderous Redeemer. "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 And that our Lord has not left her that "He is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
I love that we have a God that cares when our hearts are heavy and saddened. That He wants the absolute best for us "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
L. is a wonderful woman and she is a wonderful mother. She always tells me she knows she made the best choice, but she has her difficult moments (I think we all do). In the last couple of years I feel like God is teaching me so much through these two birthmothers. Lessons I would have never learned if I was taught any other way. I have a lot to be thankful for.
Guest post from a long time friend... "Someday"
Part of the reason I started a blog is because I have some friends experiencing some of the same things I have. To be honest, I never thought I would blog, let alone blog about infertility. I have always felt like I am not qualified to speak about this let alone many other issues. But knowing how this is such a silent issue I felt a need to share. Not to share for myself, but for my dear friends.
So today I wanted to share a poem that my sweet friend Brenda sent me! She comes from a family that has been blessed with the ability to become pregnant very easily so naturally she thought she would be the same. However I really feel that God has an amazing journey set aside just for her. So today I wanted to share her poem:
"Someday"
Someday I will understand,
Much more than I do today,
I will see the plan He has for me,
And know it had to be this way.
Someday when I see your face,
My sorrows of today will fade,
I will rejoice in knowing,
Just for me, you were made.
Someday I will hold your hand,
And tuck you in at night,
It will seem like so long ago,
When there seemed no end in sight.
Through all of the sadness,
My faith in Him will stay,
I will continue to pray for you,
Until someday is today.
Brenda P.
So today I wanted to share a poem that my sweet friend Brenda sent me! She comes from a family that has been blessed with the ability to become pregnant very easily so naturally she thought she would be the same. However I really feel that God has an amazing journey set aside just for her. So today I wanted to share her poem:
"Someday"
Someday I will understand,
Much more than I do today,
I will see the plan He has for me,
And know it had to be this way.
Someday when I see your face,
My sorrows of today will fade,
I will rejoice in knowing,
Just for me, you were made.
Someday I will hold your hand,
And tuck you in at night,
It will seem like so long ago,
When there seemed no end in sight.
Through all of the sadness,
My faith in Him will stay,
I will continue to pray for you,
Until someday is today.
Brenda P.
Why Adoption Center of San Diego
Where do you look when you decide to adopt?
Referrals of course! But where do you look when you don't know anyone who has adopted?
Google! At least that is what I did.
I started a google search for adoption agencies. Their were so many, how would we choose? To be honest I clicked on websites with the cutest babies (shallow I know). For weeks I would read through websites, read testimonies, read profiles of families waiting, read through all the questions and answers. It all sounded great and promising. So when I had narrowed my search, I started making calls and requesting more info. It was so exciting to receive the huge packets in the mail. It was like Christmas getting to open their information packets and seeing what could be our future. So with all these agencies all promising Dave and I a baby, which one would we choose?
Well,I will tell you the agency I eliminated first. It is actually the agency that kept coming up anytime I did an adoption search. The Adoption Network looked the most promising, but when I called in a December I was wanting to find out about attending an orientation. The receptionist told me that prices were going up in January so I didn't have time to wait. She sweetly offered to give me info over the phone so I could send in my payment before the price increase. This was a huge red flag to me. This was a business to them and no different than selling a car. I was treated as a paying customer. I had a hard time believing that our best interest and the interest of the birthmother was important. Dave and I weren't buying a baby!
After eliminating the largest agency, we actually had an easier time eliminating the others. When you do an independent adoption, you fill out a questionnaire on what you are looking for in a child. (I am going to write a post strictly about this sheet next time.) Depending on the agency, this sheet can be very specific or general. I immediately eliminated agencies that offered us a questionnaire that had us check certain characteristics and next to it was an additional charge. Dave and I weren't in the process to design our perfect baby. After eliminating almost all of the agencies that I knew about, I became disheartened. Was this what adoption was? I just knew this wasn't what God had for us.
Things turned around when someone at Dave's work set up meeting for him to go meet up with a co-worker in San Diego who had adopted. It was actually for Dave to do a training but it was so great how God facilitated that arrangement. Dave came home with a number of a woman who helped facilitate his adoption. When we called Sarah, the director of the Adoption Center of San Diego, their was such a huge difference. She wasn't racing to get us in the next day to collect money (although we would have done it). She wasn't asking us what kind of baby we wanted. She wanted to know about us. What led us to adoption? Why adoption? Why did we want kids?
Finally!!
We had found someone that viewed adoption as we did. Not a business, a ministry! When we went to the orientation it was so evident adoption was and is Sarah's ministry. The Adoption Center of San Diego was our perfect match! We continue to sing praises for all that Sarah and her staff has done for us.
Since then, we have adopted two children with the help of ACSD. We feel more educated about adoption, open-adoption and have a new found respect for birthmothers and their families because of our journey. If you are ever considering adoption in general, I would strongly suggest one of her orientations. She will educate you in all types of adoption and which route is best for you. You can learn more at
Another suggestion is Adoption Answer. Although we did not adopt through Adoption Answer, we now have friends that represent Adoption Answer and have a friend that adopted their daughter through them. They have an amazing ministry! You can learn more about Adoption Answer at
Referrals of course! But where do you look when you don't know anyone who has adopted?
Google! At least that is what I did.
I started a google search for adoption agencies. Their were so many, how would we choose? To be honest I clicked on websites with the cutest babies (shallow I know). For weeks I would read through websites, read testimonies, read profiles of families waiting, read through all the questions and answers. It all sounded great and promising. So when I had narrowed my search, I started making calls and requesting more info. It was so exciting to receive the huge packets in the mail. It was like Christmas getting to open their information packets and seeing what could be our future. So with all these agencies all promising Dave and I a baby, which one would we choose?
Well,I will tell you the agency I eliminated first. It is actually the agency that kept coming up anytime I did an adoption search. The Adoption Network looked the most promising, but when I called in a December I was wanting to find out about attending an orientation. The receptionist told me that prices were going up in January so I didn't have time to wait. She sweetly offered to give me info over the phone so I could send in my payment before the price increase. This was a huge red flag to me. This was a business to them and no different than selling a car. I was treated as a paying customer. I had a hard time believing that our best interest and the interest of the birthmother was important. Dave and I weren't buying a baby!
After eliminating the largest agency, we actually had an easier time eliminating the others. When you do an independent adoption, you fill out a questionnaire on what you are looking for in a child. (I am going to write a post strictly about this sheet next time.) Depending on the agency, this sheet can be very specific or general. I immediately eliminated agencies that offered us a questionnaire that had us check certain characteristics and next to it was an additional charge. Dave and I weren't in the process to design our perfect baby. After eliminating almost all of the agencies that I knew about, I became disheartened. Was this what adoption was? I just knew this wasn't what God had for us.
Things turned around when someone at Dave's work set up meeting for him to go meet up with a co-worker in San Diego who had adopted. It was actually for Dave to do a training but it was so great how God facilitated that arrangement. Dave came home with a number of a woman who helped facilitate his adoption. When we called Sarah, the director of the Adoption Center of San Diego, their was such a huge difference. She wasn't racing to get us in the next day to collect money (although we would have done it). She wasn't asking us what kind of baby we wanted. She wanted to know about us. What led us to adoption? Why adoption? Why did we want kids?
Finally!!
We had found someone that viewed adoption as we did. Not a business, a ministry! When we went to the orientation it was so evident adoption was and is Sarah's ministry. The Adoption Center of San Diego was our perfect match! We continue to sing praises for all that Sarah and her staff has done for us.
Since then, we have adopted two children with the help of ACSD. We feel more educated about adoption, open-adoption and have a new found respect for birthmothers and their families because of our journey. If you are ever considering adoption in general, I would strongly suggest one of her orientations. She will educate you in all types of adoption and which route is best for you. You can learn more at
Another suggestion is Adoption Answer. Although we did not adopt through Adoption Answer, we now have friends that represent Adoption Answer and have a friend that adopted their daughter through them. They have an amazing ministry! You can learn more about Adoption Answer at
Adoption Baby Book Suggestion
This is the baby book we used for Kyler and are using for Charlie. It is a baby book that allows us to include their adoption story and how they became part of our family. You can find it at most book stores.
My Family, My Journey
by Zoe Francesca, Susie Ghahremani (Illustrator)
My Family, My Journey
by Zoe Francesca, Susie Ghahremani (Illustrator)
Why we chose an independent adoption?
When Dave and I knew that we were no longer going to pursue having a biological child, we discussed which direction of adoption we were going to pursue. Here are some the most common types of adoption:
* International
* County Adoption/ Foster to Adopt
* Independent
We automatically ruled out international because we both knew that this was not necessarily where are heart was leading us and we have children here right at home that need families. Next we had to decide if we were going through the county or go independent. Their are positives and negatives to both but what it came down to at the time was "where was our heart?". You see, to us, adoption isn't just how you build a family, it is a ministry. We really felt as if the Lord was directing us to an independent adoption at this particular time. This is not saying the Lord closed the door to adoption through the county.
I can tell you that we did and still face criticism for this decision. The MOST common question I get is "doesn't it cost a lot and why would you pay so much money for a baby?"
Although, I can understand this question, I have to say, this was the direction God directed us. When Dave and I learned about an independent adoption we felt more passionate about it. Here is a why. When a woman is pregnant she has the choice to parent, abort, or place her baby for adoption. Most often if a woman doesn't find it convenient to parent, then she exercises her right to "choice" and chooses to have an abortion. But oh the few that choose life!! The ones that know they can't or shouldn't parent and love their baby so much they offer a better life knowing that it is going to take every ounce of strength to be able to do it. Just as I write this, my heart drops in reverence for these women and men.
What an honor to go through this process with one of these women. To be with her as she makes the most difficult decision of her life and offering her the hope that only Christ can give. To love her, to respect her and to honor her for her decision. What a beautiful story we would be able to share with our child. To tell our child that his/her mother loved them so much they offered them more than they could give and us who sought them out and waited. What a perfect love story.
After learning all this my question is why wouldn't we choose an independent adoption. Well I will be honest, our biggest struggle was the finances. Every time I would research the cost I kept thinking God how can we ever do this? But Dave and I kept praying and waiting for God to direct us. After all, money is just a tool God uses. He is the creator of our world, He just used money to grow our faith. Then one day we realized we have spent more money for a house, a car, multiple cars...so why were we agonizing so much over the money for an adoption?
So to encourage those considering this type of adoption or to answer critics... Aren't children more valuable than all of these things combined? All the things of this Earth are going to fade away, but the souls of these children are eternal. Adoption is God's design, if it is His will, then He will provide the tools.
So we stepped out in faith and God has blessed us abundantly! It is amazing how His presence has been seen throughout every aspect of the adoption process. I look forward to sharing with how we chose the Adoption Center of San Diego and how God used this process to grow our faith and relationship with Him. All glory goes to Him!
* International
* County Adoption/ Foster to Adopt
* Independent
We automatically ruled out international because we both knew that this was not necessarily where are heart was leading us and we have children here right at home that need families. Next we had to decide if we were going through the county or go independent. Their are positives and negatives to both but what it came down to at the time was "where was our heart?". You see, to us, adoption isn't just how you build a family, it is a ministry. We really felt as if the Lord was directing us to an independent adoption at this particular time. This is not saying the Lord closed the door to adoption through the county.
I can tell you that we did and still face criticism for this decision. The MOST common question I get is "doesn't it cost a lot and why would you pay so much money for a baby?"
Although, I can understand this question, I have to say, this was the direction God directed us. When Dave and I learned about an independent adoption we felt more passionate about it. Here is a why. When a woman is pregnant she has the choice to parent, abort, or place her baby for adoption. Most often if a woman doesn't find it convenient to parent, then she exercises her right to "choice" and chooses to have an abortion. But oh the few that choose life!! The ones that know they can't or shouldn't parent and love their baby so much they offer a better life knowing that it is going to take every ounce of strength to be able to do it. Just as I write this, my heart drops in reverence for these women and men.
What an honor to go through this process with one of these women. To be with her as she makes the most difficult decision of her life and offering her the hope that only Christ can give. To love her, to respect her and to honor her for her decision. What a beautiful story we would be able to share with our child. To tell our child that his/her mother loved them so much they offered them more than they could give and us who sought them out and waited. What a perfect love story.
After learning all this my question is why wouldn't we choose an independent adoption. Well I will be honest, our biggest struggle was the finances. Every time I would research the cost I kept thinking God how can we ever do this? But Dave and I kept praying and waiting for God to direct us. After all, money is just a tool God uses. He is the creator of our world, He just used money to grow our faith. Then one day we realized we have spent more money for a house, a car, multiple cars...so why were we agonizing so much over the money for an adoption?
So to encourage those considering this type of adoption or to answer critics... Aren't children more valuable than all of these things combined? All the things of this Earth are going to fade away, but the souls of these children are eternal. Adoption is God's design, if it is His will, then He will provide the tools.
So we stepped out in faith and God has blessed us abundantly! It is amazing how His presence has been seen throughout every aspect of the adoption process. I look forward to sharing with how we chose the Adoption Center of San Diego and how God used this process to grow our faith and relationship with Him. All glory goes to Him!
Why Adoption?
Why did we forfeit all infertility treatments? Why not a surrogate? Why not try invitro? Why was our only option adoption?
I know I have heard girls say before that they had a feeling that they would never be able to get pregnant, but then they end up getting pregnant and having lots of babies. That is so wonderful! But I guess, since as long as I can remember I just knew it probably wouldn't happen. I will spare you with details, but I feel as if this was the Lords way of preparing and conditioning my heart for His plan.
Now please understand, that when my husband and I did try, we put our hearts on the line and hoped with every ounce of our being. We allowed ourselves to think it could happen and when that door was closed we evaluated what would be best and how we would pursue other options.
Right before I was going to have a hysterectomy, our doctor strongly suggested we try invitro. We also knew we could always do a surrogate. I think we weighed these options for about a day. It was that simple. I know MANY and MOST couples choose invitro and or surrogacy. I am going to share what our thought process was on this topic and please understand that this is not an attempt to force any of this on anyone. It is strictly our thought process.
For us, along with not wanting to mess with my hormones, neither one of us were prepared to play God. We believe that life begins at conception. Which means that any and all embryos that would have been created are in fact a life with a soul. Where 46 human chromosomes come together into a complex genetic design that helps determine the unique characteristics of a new individual. Here are some questions that we just weren't and didn't want to have to answer:
* What if their are embryos left over?
* What do we do with them?
* Do we place them for adoption?(Embryo adoption is also becoming more popular)
* Could we handle that?
* How many would we use?
* What if we got pregnant with multiples? What if the doctor said to "eliminate some" (aka abortion) due to risk of health of me and or babies
* What if it doesn't work? How many times are we willing to keep trying?
* What if it never works?
Our conclusion was, "why all this?" So many children are in need of homes and their our women who are willing to place their babies for adoption. To us adoption was the simplest answer.
I love what our adoption facilitator says..."One of the greatest things about adoption is not if it will happen, it is just a matter of when it will happen!"
I know I have heard girls say before that they had a feeling that they would never be able to get pregnant, but then they end up getting pregnant and having lots of babies. That is so wonderful! But I guess, since as long as I can remember I just knew it probably wouldn't happen. I will spare you with details, but I feel as if this was the Lords way of preparing and conditioning my heart for His plan.
Now please understand, that when my husband and I did try, we put our hearts on the line and hoped with every ounce of our being. We allowed ourselves to think it could happen and when that door was closed we evaluated what would be best and how we would pursue other options.
Right before I was going to have a hysterectomy, our doctor strongly suggested we try invitro. We also knew we could always do a surrogate. I think we weighed these options for about a day. It was that simple. I know MANY and MOST couples choose invitro and or surrogacy. I am going to share what our thought process was on this topic and please understand that this is not an attempt to force any of this on anyone. It is strictly our thought process.
For us, along with not wanting to mess with my hormones, neither one of us were prepared to play God. We believe that life begins at conception. Which means that any and all embryos that would have been created are in fact a life with a soul. Where 46 human chromosomes come together into a complex genetic design that helps determine the unique characteristics of a new individual. Here are some questions that we just weren't and didn't want to have to answer:
* What if their are embryos left over?
* What do we do with them?
* Do we place them for adoption?(Embryo adoption is also becoming more popular)
* Could we handle that?
* How many would we use?
* What if we got pregnant with multiples? What if the doctor said to "eliminate some" (aka abortion) due to risk of health of me and or babies
* What if it doesn't work? How many times are we willing to keep trying?
* What if it never works?
Our conclusion was, "why all this?" So many children are in need of homes and their our women who are willing to place their babies for adoption. To us adoption was the simplest answer.
I love what our adoption facilitator says..."One of the greatest things about adoption is not if it will happen, it is just a matter of when it will happen!"
"So is their still a possibility you can have your own kids?"
I am going to skip a few things for now, about our adoption process, so that I can give you a little history. If that makes sense.
I occasionally get the question "So is their still a possibility you can have your own?" I used to get it more when we adopted Kyler but now that we have Charlie I get it a little less. Maybe because two is the magic number (fyi it is not our magic number). Well to be honest, when I get that question I have to pause and refrain from being rude. Kyler and Charlie are mine. I would rather have someone just ask me if their is a possibility I can still get pregnant. I know it is probably not meant to be rude, it just is.
What I hear is, yes you have two kids but don't you want your own? As if my children aren't good enough. So here are my thoughts. No I did not carry them for 9 months, but I prayed for them everyday even before I knew them or about them. I did not know when they were conceived, but my God did. For years, I imagined what they would look like. I loved them, I wept for them. I couldn't wait to meet them. I wondered if they would be a boy or a girl. Really when you think about it, I did everything another mother would do. No I didn't get to feel them move or kick, or be there when their sweet faces came into this world, but I didn't need that to validate my undeniable love for them.
So to get back to answering the question "is their still a possibility I can have my own?".
"No"
And I am so thankful.
I had a hysterectomy, against my doctor's suggestion, in my twenties and I have not regretted it for a day. I remember making a doctors appointment specifically to tell her it was finished. It was such a liberating appointment. See I had had at least three surgeries within a couple of years and our doctor wanted to start invitro and start me on hormones. Dave and I knew that this was not the route we were going to go. Maybe at some point I will share a little more about that...but for now it is not relevant. Dave and I were ready to move on. We were done waiting and in our hearts we had already closed the door. This hysterectomy was going to have to happen and I actually really wanted it. At the time, I was tired of being in pain. But by having the surgery it forced the doctor and family to allow us to move on. We had. We needed them to move on with us.
Although this ended up being the most complicated surgeries of all of them, God was so gracious. It was my least painful surgeries and I recovered the quickest and He sweetly broke me one last time.
What do I mean, He allowed me to be sweetly broken...When I woke up from surgery I kept wondering why I would hear babies crying. I thought I was hallucinating. Was I loosing my mind? When I finally asked my family why I kept hearing babies I saw all of their faces change. They asked if I needed to be moved. I guess when you have a hysterectomy they put you on the maternity ward. Kinda weird huh? So every time I had a nurse come and ask how I was feeling they congratulated me first. Asking if I had a boy or a girl. Which annoyed me only because I knew they never looked at my chart. So after a few days in the hospital, babies, new mothers all around and being congratulated several times a day I remember crying just one last time. But it was a different cry. I was so overwhelmed with joy and relief. God had always been with us and He saw us through. My brother told me before the surgery.."this too shall pass." And it did. We could see the end of our grief and I could see how allowed one door to close so that another could be opened.
Most of you know this verse but here was the one I always think of during this time "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. God never lost control, He knew all of this before it happened. He just carried us through it.
I occasionally get the question "So is their still a possibility you can have your own?" I used to get it more when we adopted Kyler but now that we have Charlie I get it a little less. Maybe because two is the magic number (fyi it is not our magic number). Well to be honest, when I get that question I have to pause and refrain from being rude. Kyler and Charlie are mine. I would rather have someone just ask me if their is a possibility I can still get pregnant. I know it is probably not meant to be rude, it just is.
What I hear is, yes you have two kids but don't you want your own? As if my children aren't good enough. So here are my thoughts. No I did not carry them for 9 months, but I prayed for them everyday even before I knew them or about them. I did not know when they were conceived, but my God did. For years, I imagined what they would look like. I loved them, I wept for them. I couldn't wait to meet them. I wondered if they would be a boy or a girl. Really when you think about it, I did everything another mother would do. No I didn't get to feel them move or kick, or be there when their sweet faces came into this world, but I didn't need that to validate my undeniable love for them.
So to get back to answering the question "is their still a possibility I can have my own?".
"No"
And I am so thankful.
I had a hysterectomy, against my doctor's suggestion, in my twenties and I have not regretted it for a day. I remember making a doctors appointment specifically to tell her it was finished. It was such a liberating appointment. See I had had at least three surgeries within a couple of years and our doctor wanted to start invitro and start me on hormones. Dave and I knew that this was not the route we were going to go. Maybe at some point I will share a little more about that...but for now it is not relevant. Dave and I were ready to move on. We were done waiting and in our hearts we had already closed the door. This hysterectomy was going to have to happen and I actually really wanted it. At the time, I was tired of being in pain. But by having the surgery it forced the doctor and family to allow us to move on. We had. We needed them to move on with us.
Although this ended up being the most complicated surgeries of all of them, God was so gracious. It was my least painful surgeries and I recovered the quickest and He sweetly broke me one last time.
What do I mean, He allowed me to be sweetly broken...When I woke up from surgery I kept wondering why I would hear babies crying. I thought I was hallucinating. Was I loosing my mind? When I finally asked my family why I kept hearing babies I saw all of their faces change. They asked if I needed to be moved. I guess when you have a hysterectomy they put you on the maternity ward. Kinda weird huh? So every time I had a nurse come and ask how I was feeling they congratulated me first. Asking if I had a boy or a girl. Which annoyed me only because I knew they never looked at my chart. So after a few days in the hospital, babies, new mothers all around and being congratulated several times a day I remember crying just one last time. But it was a different cry. I was so overwhelmed with joy and relief. God had always been with us and He saw us through. My brother told me before the surgery.."this too shall pass." And it did. We could see the end of our grief and I could see how allowed one door to close so that another could be opened.
Most of you know this verse but here was the one I always think of during this time "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. God never lost control, He knew all of this before it happened. He just carried us through it.
So when are you going to start having kids?
So I thought this particular post was appropriate right now. Over the last couple of weeks I have learned that 6 friends of mine are expecting their second child and one is expecting her 6th. :) Who knows, their may even be more friends pregnant and I just haven't found out yet. I am always so excited to hear the news when someone is going to be having a baby, but I do remember a time when it also broke my heart too.
This post is not to depress you or make you feel sorry for me. This one is strictly for those woman who know what it is to want something so bad and nothing in the world can make it happen. I knew about all the books about how to conceive and all the myths of how to have sex or when to have sex or what or what not to do while trying, but I knew deep down that NONE of it would ever help me to get pregnant. I knew in my heart of hearts that I couldn't do anything to make it happen. No amount of money could help and a box full of ovulation kits couldn't help. This was strictly a God thing.
Some of what I am about to share, most people never knew, but I can freely share it because I am no longer in the closet with my past grief. I remember going to different stores to buy pregnancy tests and going into the restroom because I couldn't wait to get home to take it. I would fantasize about how I would surprise Dave with the news only to receive a negative result. Now don't worry, I was never one to take no for an answer, so I tried again when I got home. I even had dreams that the results changed during the night and it was actually positive. Yes I was that crazy woman who would dig it out of the trash to check just in case. Now don't worry, at this point I still hadn't given up hope. After all, it could have been a false negative. I finally would surrender hope for that month after I finally started. I can say the hardest part of the month was having to tell Dave that I wasn't pregnant. He never made me feel bad, I just knew how excited he would have been if I would have said I was. I remember this routine went on for years. Oh I forgot to mention, the 711 guy loved us because poor Dave would have to go and buy a test just in case I felt like I was pregnant that day. Lets just say, when you are trying to get pregnant you can litterally make your body think that you are. :)
One of the things that would drive me crazy was when friends would say, well when you stop trying is when you will get pregnant. I knew they were just trying to help, but this was the one statement that always made me frustrated. After all, didn't they know I didn't want to have to try? I wanted to be one of those people that got pregnant without trying. The question we started to dread the most "so when are you going to start having kids." We would always answer with "oh we are just enjoying each other right now", or our favorite, "we are just enjoying being married for now." Most would never be satisfied with this answer, especially family. Maybe they actually knew it wasn't true. Don't get me wrong, Dave and I loved our time together, but we knew we were missing something.
I am sharing some of these things because I know I have friends right now in this position. Friends that are having to put on a fake smile during a baby shower and act like you are so happy when all you want to do is have people get an invite to attend a baby shower for you. Fantasizing that it is actually yours and making a mental note of everything you would register for if it were your baby. I personally loved just pretending and I would walk through babys r us so much so that I had to start going to different ones because I thought the workers were getting creeped out by me. :)
If you are a woman right now and the word baby just makes you cry, here is my advice to you: stop throwing baby showers, stop RSVPing yes, stop going to Babys R Us and spending hours picking out the most perfect gift for your friends baby. If she is your close friend, she will understand, if she is not, then no worries. Politely send a gift card and say thank you for the invite, but I can't attend this one. Don't worry about your friend thinking you are being rude or selfish...she will wish you didn't come when you are crying the whole time and everyone is wondering what is wrong. And then she will feel guilty for being pregnant and for having a good time at her own shower. This isn't fair to your friend and give yourself permission to grieve.
Just a little side note, ladies if you are one of those lucky girls that is blessed to have babies, this post is not an attempt to make you feel bad. This post is to allow some of the woman going through this to know that someone knows what they are going through. I know many woman have went through worse than I did but this is just my story. We are truly happy for you!
I can honestly say I had no major melt down or grieving period. I think that came a little every month. Every month that we would find out I wasn't pregnant I was grieved. Some months more than others. See even if I didn't want to think about it or didn't want to try, I still had that constant reminder every month that I wasn't when I would start. Some of you know what I am talking about. I will say that I have learned that infertility is a loss and when you experience that loss you have to grieve as if you would any other loss.
Now that you are all depressed, let me give you this, if you are one of those that is trying to get pregnant, not sure if you can or if you will this grief goes away. One of the verses I always clinged to was "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 I always knew God didn't give me a desire for kids without fulfilling it in some way. He used these years and grief to mold me into the mother He needed me to be. I can tell you that with one phone call about our son, He restored me and healed any sorrow I may have had. So continue to pray and ask God for His wisdom and for patience. I can honestly say, I wouldn't trade one second of what we went through. He allowed us to be part of something so amazing and we wouldn't have had the amazing without the heartbreak.
This post is not to depress you or make you feel sorry for me. This one is strictly for those woman who know what it is to want something so bad and nothing in the world can make it happen. I knew about all the books about how to conceive and all the myths of how to have sex or when to have sex or what or what not to do while trying, but I knew deep down that NONE of it would ever help me to get pregnant. I knew in my heart of hearts that I couldn't do anything to make it happen. No amount of money could help and a box full of ovulation kits couldn't help. This was strictly a God thing.
Some of what I am about to share, most people never knew, but I can freely share it because I am no longer in the closet with my past grief. I remember going to different stores to buy pregnancy tests and going into the restroom because I couldn't wait to get home to take it. I would fantasize about how I would surprise Dave with the news only to receive a negative result. Now don't worry, I was never one to take no for an answer, so I tried again when I got home. I even had dreams that the results changed during the night and it was actually positive. Yes I was that crazy woman who would dig it out of the trash to check just in case. Now don't worry, at this point I still hadn't given up hope. After all, it could have been a false negative. I finally would surrender hope for that month after I finally started. I can say the hardest part of the month was having to tell Dave that I wasn't pregnant. He never made me feel bad, I just knew how excited he would have been if I would have said I was. I remember this routine went on for years. Oh I forgot to mention, the 711 guy loved us because poor Dave would have to go and buy a test just in case I felt like I was pregnant that day. Lets just say, when you are trying to get pregnant you can litterally make your body think that you are. :)
One of the things that would drive me crazy was when friends would say, well when you stop trying is when you will get pregnant. I knew they were just trying to help, but this was the one statement that always made me frustrated. After all, didn't they know I didn't want to have to try? I wanted to be one of those people that got pregnant without trying. The question we started to dread the most "so when are you going to start having kids." We would always answer with "oh we are just enjoying each other right now", or our favorite, "we are just enjoying being married for now." Most would never be satisfied with this answer, especially family. Maybe they actually knew it wasn't true. Don't get me wrong, Dave and I loved our time together, but we knew we were missing something.
I am sharing some of these things because I know I have friends right now in this position. Friends that are having to put on a fake smile during a baby shower and act like you are so happy when all you want to do is have people get an invite to attend a baby shower for you. Fantasizing that it is actually yours and making a mental note of everything you would register for if it were your baby. I personally loved just pretending and I would walk through babys r us so much so that I had to start going to different ones because I thought the workers were getting creeped out by me. :)
If you are a woman right now and the word baby just makes you cry, here is my advice to you: stop throwing baby showers, stop RSVPing yes, stop going to Babys R Us and spending hours picking out the most perfect gift for your friends baby. If she is your close friend, she will understand, if she is not, then no worries. Politely send a gift card and say thank you for the invite, but I can't attend this one. Don't worry about your friend thinking you are being rude or selfish...she will wish you didn't come when you are crying the whole time and everyone is wondering what is wrong. And then she will feel guilty for being pregnant and for having a good time at her own shower. This isn't fair to your friend and give yourself permission to grieve.
Just a little side note, ladies if you are one of those lucky girls that is blessed to have babies, this post is not an attempt to make you feel bad. This post is to allow some of the woman going through this to know that someone knows what they are going through. I know many woman have went through worse than I did but this is just my story. We are truly happy for you!
I can honestly say I had no major melt down or grieving period. I think that came a little every month. Every month that we would find out I wasn't pregnant I was grieved. Some months more than others. See even if I didn't want to think about it or didn't want to try, I still had that constant reminder every month that I wasn't when I would start. Some of you know what I am talking about. I will say that I have learned that infertility is a loss and when you experience that loss you have to grieve as if you would any other loss.
Now that you are all depressed, let me give you this, if you are one of those that is trying to get pregnant, not sure if you can or if you will this grief goes away. One of the verses I always clinged to was "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 I always knew God didn't give me a desire for kids without fulfilling it in some way. He used these years and grief to mold me into the mother He needed me to be. I can tell you that with one phone call about our son, He restored me and healed any sorrow I may have had. So continue to pray and ask God for His wisdom and for patience. I can honestly say, I wouldn't trade one second of what we went through. He allowed us to be part of something so amazing and we wouldn't have had the amazing without the heartbreak.
So I finally decided to blog
I have been wanting to blog for the last year but I haven't done so because I never took the time to get one started. I never could figure out how to get it set up correctly, maybe I will figure out how to make it a little cuter down the road. Life seems to get a little more exciting everyday, so I thought now would be good time to start writing.
I have regretted not blogging during our last 2 adoption processes, but better late than never. I am going to try to write about certain things that have taken place during our process and how much God has revealed Himself during those times. Not so much to bore you with our life, but to share how amazing our God is and how He has transformed our lives and radicalizing my heart.
I have regretted not blogging during our last 2 adoption processes, but better late than never. I am going to try to write about certain things that have taken place during our process and how much God has revealed Himself during those times. Not so much to bore you with our life, but to share how amazing our God is and how He has transformed our lives and radicalizing my heart.
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