It has been a long time! I had to go back and read my last post to see where I left off. I realized the tone of that post was heavy hearted, grieved, and tired. This will explain why I have had no time to blog.
So here is where we are at...Alaura left our home earlier this month. February 6th to be exact. One day before her 16th birthday. I wept more on her birthday than I did the day I drove her to her knew foster home. It still breaks my heart to know she spent her birthday with people she didn't know, no gifts and not much hope. Along with that grief was a tremendous amount of anger. I was angry that she was only a few blocks away from birth family that promised so much to her while she was at our house, had left her again, alone.
Let me just back up for a moment. Alaura desperately wanted to be adopted and to belong. She wanted someone to claim her. However, as much as she wanted that for her life, she wanted all of this with her original birth family (understandably). I do believe she loved us, but she was clinging to the life she once knew, as dysfunctional as it was. Her normal was not our normal. She had no comprehension of what it meant to have a family that prayed together, loved one another and praised each other. She knew only dis function, inconsistency and fighting. Their was never a "honeymoon" period with her. She challenged everything we did, said and believed from the second she entered our car. Unfortunately, while all of this was going on, she started hearing from birth family and family friends that said they would have taken her or adopted her if we didn't. So we weren't just battling Alaura, our foster care system, but now birth family and friends who would not allow her an opportunity to let go of her past and move on. She clung to the empty promises that she desperately wanted to be true. It was so heartbreaking and angering to watch.
Dave and I have never been more close than we were while Alaura was with us. We had to be because we were being tested to the core. We were mentally and physically exhausted! I never wanted to share too much because I didn't want others to know or necessarily judge. I will always remember that this past Christmas was one of the most trying times of our life to date. HOWEVER, God was in it. God used this situation to reveal my heart. To show me areas that I had work to do. To bring to light areas of my walk with the Lord that needed to be refined. I know that God brought Alaura into our lives to test our faith and to live out our faith in Him.Did our lives really live out what our mouths proclaimed we believed? I know in many ways I failed, but I know God did not. I learned what it meant to truly "trust in the Lord in All my ways" Proverbs 3:6 His will was done.
With all of this said, the question I get the most is this, "was it our choice or hers?" To be transparent with you, it was both. She continued to say she just didn't know if this was God really wanted her and agreed that she would leave if she had the chance to go back with family. On our end, we finally had to let her go pursue that life again. We couldn't keep drowning our entire family to save one that didn't necessarily want to be saved.
We poured Jesus into her and God promises that His word will not return void. We no longer are in contact with Alaura, but I do check in on her Facebook from time to time to see how she is doing. This is not a good idea because as a mother I just want to shake her. However, we do believe that someday we will hear from her again. We know that we gave her every ounce of ourselves and she knew that. She will always play a major role in our family, even if she was only here for a couple of months. I continue to pray for her and my heart will always have a place for her. She was our daughter, even if only a moment.
One last thing, Alaura gave me a glimpse of the importance of us pouring love into our kids. Through time, discipline, structure and saying no. Without it, we are FAILING our children. To know that Alaura is just one of tens of thousands, just takes my breath away. Through her I realized my importance of my role as a mother. What is really at stake. So with all of the heartache and pain, "I can count it all joy" James 5:11!
