So when are you going to start having kids?

So I thought this particular post was appropriate right now. Over the last couple of weeks I have learned that 6 friends of mine are expecting their second child and one is expecting her 6th. :) Who knows, their may even be more friends pregnant and I just haven't found out yet. I am always so excited to hear the news when someone is going to be having a baby, but I do remember a time when it also broke my heart too.

This post is not to depress you or make you feel sorry for me. This one is strictly for those woman who know what it is to want something so bad and nothing in the world can make it happen. I knew about all the books about how to conceive and all the myths of how to have sex or when to have sex or what or what not to do while trying, but I knew deep down that NONE of it would ever help me to get pregnant. I knew in my heart of hearts that I couldn't do anything to make it happen. No amount of money could help and a box full of ovulation kits couldn't help. This was strictly a God thing.

Some of what I am about to share, most people never knew, but I can freely share it because I am no longer in the closet with my past grief. I remember going to different stores to buy pregnancy tests and going into the restroom because I couldn't wait to get home to take it. I would fantasize about how I would surprise Dave with the news only to receive a negative result. Now don't worry, I was never one to take no for an answer, so I tried again when I got home. I even had dreams that the results changed during the night and it was actually positive. Yes I was that crazy woman who would dig it out of the trash to check just in case. Now don't worry, at this point I still hadn't given up hope. After all, it could have been a false negative. I finally would surrender hope for that month after I finally started. I can say the hardest part of the month was having to tell Dave that I wasn't pregnant. He never made me feel bad, I just knew how excited he would have been if I would have said I was. I remember this routine went on for years. Oh I forgot to mention, the 711 guy loved us because poor Dave would have to go and buy a test just in case I felt like I was pregnant that day. Lets just say, when you are trying to get pregnant you can litterally make your body think that you are. :)

One of the things that would drive me crazy was when friends would say, well when you stop trying is when you will get pregnant. I knew they were just trying to help, but this was the one statement that always made me frustrated. After all, didn't they know I didn't want to have to try? I wanted to be one of those people that got pregnant without trying. The question we started to dread the most "so when are you going to start having kids." We would always answer with "oh we are just enjoying each other right now", or our favorite, "we are just enjoying being married for now." Most would never be satisfied with this answer, especially family. Maybe they actually knew it wasn't true. Don't get me wrong, Dave and I loved our time together, but we knew we were missing something.

I am sharing some of these things because I know I have friends right now in this position. Friends that are having to put on a fake smile during a baby shower and act like you are so happy when all you want to do is have people get an invite to attend a baby shower for you. Fantasizing that it is actually yours and making a mental note of everything you would register for if it were your baby. I personally loved just pretending and I would walk through babys r us so much so that I had to start going to different ones because I thought the workers were getting creeped out by me. :)

If you are a woman right now and the word baby just makes you cry, here is my advice to you: stop throwing baby showers, stop RSVPing yes, stop going to Babys R Us and spending hours picking out the most perfect gift for your friends baby. If she is your close friend, she will understand, if she is not, then no worries. Politely send a gift card and say thank you for the invite, but I can't attend this one. Don't worry about your friend thinking you are being rude or selfish...she will wish you didn't come when you are crying the whole time and everyone is wondering what is wrong. And then she will feel guilty for being pregnant and for having a good time at her own shower. This isn't fair to your friend and give yourself permission to grieve.

Just a little side note, ladies if you are one of those lucky girls that is blessed to have babies, this post is not an attempt to make you feel bad. This post is to allow some of the woman going through this to know that someone knows what they are going through. I know many woman have went through worse than I did but this is just my story. We are truly happy for you!

I can honestly say I had no major melt down or grieving period. I think that came a little every month. Every month that we would find out I wasn't pregnant I was grieved. Some months more than others. See even if I didn't want to think about it or didn't want to try, I still had that constant reminder every month that I wasn't when I would start. Some of you know what I am talking about. I will say that I have learned that infertility is a loss and when you experience that loss you have to grieve as if you would any other loss.

Now that you are all depressed, let me give you this, if you are one of those that is trying to get pregnant, not sure if you can or if you will this grief goes away. One of the verses I always clinged to was "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 I always knew God didn't give me a desire for kids without fulfilling it in some way. He used these years and grief to mold me into the mother He needed me to be. I can tell you that with one phone call about our son, He restored me and healed any sorrow I may have had. So continue to pray and ask God for His wisdom and for patience. I can honestly say, I wouldn't trade one second of what we went through. He allowed us to be part of something so amazing and we wouldn't have had the amazing without the heartbreak.