My children's birthmothers are never far from my mind. I didn't stop loving them the day they gave me their most precious gift. You could even say I have never stopped grieving with them. Yes, I am a mother now, but so are they in their hearts. They gave my babies life! And for that, I want to ALWAYS honor them!
I think of them when I am about to complain, when I am tired or reminisce of simpler times. I am quickly reminded of the cost that my children came. That my blessings came with a price. A price that I could never repay.
I received a phone call from L. last night. Yes, we have an open relationship with our birthmothers. She just needed to hear how everything was going and how Charlie was doing. So many think that this is just too hard on everyone, but I see it as such an easy request. After all, don't we all need to be reassured sometimes that we made the right choice? So I gave her an update and shared how well she is doing. That she should be so proud.
She wept.
Today I have had such a grieved heart about this. I wish I could take the pain away for her. She knows that. I have actually asked her, how I can best help her. But I have to remind myself, that I can't fix anything. My words, my comfort and my love will just leave her empty and desiring more. All I can offer her is the hope and love of our Wonderous Redeemer. "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 And that our Lord has not left her that "He is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
I love that we have a God that cares when our hearts are heavy and saddened. That He wants the absolute best for us "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
L. is a wonderful woman and she is a wonderful mother. She always tells me she knows she made the best choice, but she has her difficult moments (I think we all do). In the last couple of years I feel like God is teaching me so much through these two birthmothers. Lessons I would have never learned if I was taught any other way. I have a lot to be thankful for.
Guest post from a long time friend... "Someday"
Part of the reason I started a blog is because I have some friends experiencing some of the same things I have. To be honest, I never thought I would blog, let alone blog about infertility. I have always felt like I am not qualified to speak about this let alone many other issues. But knowing how this is such a silent issue I felt a need to share. Not to share for myself, but for my dear friends.
So today I wanted to share a poem that my sweet friend Brenda sent me! She comes from a family that has been blessed with the ability to become pregnant very easily so naturally she thought she would be the same. However I really feel that God has an amazing journey set aside just for her. So today I wanted to share her poem:
"Someday"
Someday I will understand,
Much more than I do today,
I will see the plan He has for me,
And know it had to be this way.
Someday when I see your face,
My sorrows of today will fade,
I will rejoice in knowing,
Just for me, you were made.
Someday I will hold your hand,
And tuck you in at night,
It will seem like so long ago,
When there seemed no end in sight.
Through all of the sadness,
My faith in Him will stay,
I will continue to pray for you,
Until someday is today.
Brenda P.
So today I wanted to share a poem that my sweet friend Brenda sent me! She comes from a family that has been blessed with the ability to become pregnant very easily so naturally she thought she would be the same. However I really feel that God has an amazing journey set aside just for her. So today I wanted to share her poem:
"Someday"
Someday I will understand,
Much more than I do today,
I will see the plan He has for me,
And know it had to be this way.
Someday when I see your face,
My sorrows of today will fade,
I will rejoice in knowing,
Just for me, you were made.
Someday I will hold your hand,
And tuck you in at night,
It will seem like so long ago,
When there seemed no end in sight.
Through all of the sadness,
My faith in Him will stay,
I will continue to pray for you,
Until someday is today.
Brenda P.
Why Adoption Center of San Diego
Where do you look when you decide to adopt?
Referrals of course! But where do you look when you don't know anyone who has adopted?
Google! At least that is what I did.
I started a google search for adoption agencies. Their were so many, how would we choose? To be honest I clicked on websites with the cutest babies (shallow I know). For weeks I would read through websites, read testimonies, read profiles of families waiting, read through all the questions and answers. It all sounded great and promising. So when I had narrowed my search, I started making calls and requesting more info. It was so exciting to receive the huge packets in the mail. It was like Christmas getting to open their information packets and seeing what could be our future. So with all these agencies all promising Dave and I a baby, which one would we choose?
Well,I will tell you the agency I eliminated first. It is actually the agency that kept coming up anytime I did an adoption search. The Adoption Network looked the most promising, but when I called in a December I was wanting to find out about attending an orientation. The receptionist told me that prices were going up in January so I didn't have time to wait. She sweetly offered to give me info over the phone so I could send in my payment before the price increase. This was a huge red flag to me. This was a business to them and no different than selling a car. I was treated as a paying customer. I had a hard time believing that our best interest and the interest of the birthmother was important. Dave and I weren't buying a baby!
After eliminating the largest agency, we actually had an easier time eliminating the others. When you do an independent adoption, you fill out a questionnaire on what you are looking for in a child. (I am going to write a post strictly about this sheet next time.) Depending on the agency, this sheet can be very specific or general. I immediately eliminated agencies that offered us a questionnaire that had us check certain characteristics and next to it was an additional charge. Dave and I weren't in the process to design our perfect baby. After eliminating almost all of the agencies that I knew about, I became disheartened. Was this what adoption was? I just knew this wasn't what God had for us.
Things turned around when someone at Dave's work set up meeting for him to go meet up with a co-worker in San Diego who had adopted. It was actually for Dave to do a training but it was so great how God facilitated that arrangement. Dave came home with a number of a woman who helped facilitate his adoption. When we called Sarah, the director of the Adoption Center of San Diego, their was such a huge difference. She wasn't racing to get us in the next day to collect money (although we would have done it). She wasn't asking us what kind of baby we wanted. She wanted to know about us. What led us to adoption? Why adoption? Why did we want kids?
Finally!!
We had found someone that viewed adoption as we did. Not a business, a ministry! When we went to the orientation it was so evident adoption was and is Sarah's ministry. The Adoption Center of San Diego was our perfect match! We continue to sing praises for all that Sarah and her staff has done for us.
Since then, we have adopted two children with the help of ACSD. We feel more educated about adoption, open-adoption and have a new found respect for birthmothers and their families because of our journey. If you are ever considering adoption in general, I would strongly suggest one of her orientations. She will educate you in all types of adoption and which route is best for you. You can learn more at
Another suggestion is Adoption Answer. Although we did not adopt through Adoption Answer, we now have friends that represent Adoption Answer and have a friend that adopted their daughter through them. They have an amazing ministry! You can learn more about Adoption Answer at
Referrals of course! But where do you look when you don't know anyone who has adopted?
Google! At least that is what I did.
I started a google search for adoption agencies. Their were so many, how would we choose? To be honest I clicked on websites with the cutest babies (shallow I know). For weeks I would read through websites, read testimonies, read profiles of families waiting, read through all the questions and answers. It all sounded great and promising. So when I had narrowed my search, I started making calls and requesting more info. It was so exciting to receive the huge packets in the mail. It was like Christmas getting to open their information packets and seeing what could be our future. So with all these agencies all promising Dave and I a baby, which one would we choose?
Well,I will tell you the agency I eliminated first. It is actually the agency that kept coming up anytime I did an adoption search. The Adoption Network looked the most promising, but when I called in a December I was wanting to find out about attending an orientation. The receptionist told me that prices were going up in January so I didn't have time to wait. She sweetly offered to give me info over the phone so I could send in my payment before the price increase. This was a huge red flag to me. This was a business to them and no different than selling a car. I was treated as a paying customer. I had a hard time believing that our best interest and the interest of the birthmother was important. Dave and I weren't buying a baby!
After eliminating the largest agency, we actually had an easier time eliminating the others. When you do an independent adoption, you fill out a questionnaire on what you are looking for in a child. (I am going to write a post strictly about this sheet next time.) Depending on the agency, this sheet can be very specific or general. I immediately eliminated agencies that offered us a questionnaire that had us check certain characteristics and next to it was an additional charge. Dave and I weren't in the process to design our perfect baby. After eliminating almost all of the agencies that I knew about, I became disheartened. Was this what adoption was? I just knew this wasn't what God had for us.
Things turned around when someone at Dave's work set up meeting for him to go meet up with a co-worker in San Diego who had adopted. It was actually for Dave to do a training but it was so great how God facilitated that arrangement. Dave came home with a number of a woman who helped facilitate his adoption. When we called Sarah, the director of the Adoption Center of San Diego, their was such a huge difference. She wasn't racing to get us in the next day to collect money (although we would have done it). She wasn't asking us what kind of baby we wanted. She wanted to know about us. What led us to adoption? Why adoption? Why did we want kids?
Finally!!
We had found someone that viewed adoption as we did. Not a business, a ministry! When we went to the orientation it was so evident adoption was and is Sarah's ministry. The Adoption Center of San Diego was our perfect match! We continue to sing praises for all that Sarah and her staff has done for us.
Since then, we have adopted two children with the help of ACSD. We feel more educated about adoption, open-adoption and have a new found respect for birthmothers and their families because of our journey. If you are ever considering adoption in general, I would strongly suggest one of her orientations. She will educate you in all types of adoption and which route is best for you. You can learn more at
Another suggestion is Adoption Answer. Although we did not adopt through Adoption Answer, we now have friends that represent Adoption Answer and have a friend that adopted their daughter through them. They have an amazing ministry! You can learn more about Adoption Answer at
Adoption Baby Book Suggestion
This is the baby book we used for Kyler and are using for Charlie. It is a baby book that allows us to include their adoption story and how they became part of our family. You can find it at most book stores.
My Family, My Journey
by Zoe Francesca, Susie Ghahremani (Illustrator)
My Family, My Journey
by Zoe Francesca, Susie Ghahremani (Illustrator)
Why we chose an independent adoption?
When Dave and I knew that we were no longer going to pursue having a biological child, we discussed which direction of adoption we were going to pursue. Here are some the most common types of adoption:
* International
* County Adoption/ Foster to Adopt
* Independent
We automatically ruled out international because we both knew that this was not necessarily where are heart was leading us and we have children here right at home that need families. Next we had to decide if we were going through the county or go independent. Their are positives and negatives to both but what it came down to at the time was "where was our heart?". You see, to us, adoption isn't just how you build a family, it is a ministry. We really felt as if the Lord was directing us to an independent adoption at this particular time. This is not saying the Lord closed the door to adoption through the county.
I can tell you that we did and still face criticism for this decision. The MOST common question I get is "doesn't it cost a lot and why would you pay so much money for a baby?"
Although, I can understand this question, I have to say, this was the direction God directed us. When Dave and I learned about an independent adoption we felt more passionate about it. Here is a why. When a woman is pregnant she has the choice to parent, abort, or place her baby for adoption. Most often if a woman doesn't find it convenient to parent, then she exercises her right to "choice" and chooses to have an abortion. But oh the few that choose life!! The ones that know they can't or shouldn't parent and love their baby so much they offer a better life knowing that it is going to take every ounce of strength to be able to do it. Just as I write this, my heart drops in reverence for these women and men.
What an honor to go through this process with one of these women. To be with her as she makes the most difficult decision of her life and offering her the hope that only Christ can give. To love her, to respect her and to honor her for her decision. What a beautiful story we would be able to share with our child. To tell our child that his/her mother loved them so much they offered them more than they could give and us who sought them out and waited. What a perfect love story.
After learning all this my question is why wouldn't we choose an independent adoption. Well I will be honest, our biggest struggle was the finances. Every time I would research the cost I kept thinking God how can we ever do this? But Dave and I kept praying and waiting for God to direct us. After all, money is just a tool God uses. He is the creator of our world, He just used money to grow our faith. Then one day we realized we have spent more money for a house, a car, multiple cars...so why were we agonizing so much over the money for an adoption?
So to encourage those considering this type of adoption or to answer critics... Aren't children more valuable than all of these things combined? All the things of this Earth are going to fade away, but the souls of these children are eternal. Adoption is God's design, if it is His will, then He will provide the tools.
So we stepped out in faith and God has blessed us abundantly! It is amazing how His presence has been seen throughout every aspect of the adoption process. I look forward to sharing with how we chose the Adoption Center of San Diego and how God used this process to grow our faith and relationship with Him. All glory goes to Him!
* International
* County Adoption/ Foster to Adopt
* Independent
We automatically ruled out international because we both knew that this was not necessarily where are heart was leading us and we have children here right at home that need families. Next we had to decide if we were going through the county or go independent. Their are positives and negatives to both but what it came down to at the time was "where was our heart?". You see, to us, adoption isn't just how you build a family, it is a ministry. We really felt as if the Lord was directing us to an independent adoption at this particular time. This is not saying the Lord closed the door to adoption through the county.
I can tell you that we did and still face criticism for this decision. The MOST common question I get is "doesn't it cost a lot and why would you pay so much money for a baby?"
Although, I can understand this question, I have to say, this was the direction God directed us. When Dave and I learned about an independent adoption we felt more passionate about it. Here is a why. When a woman is pregnant she has the choice to parent, abort, or place her baby for adoption. Most often if a woman doesn't find it convenient to parent, then she exercises her right to "choice" and chooses to have an abortion. But oh the few that choose life!! The ones that know they can't or shouldn't parent and love their baby so much they offer a better life knowing that it is going to take every ounce of strength to be able to do it. Just as I write this, my heart drops in reverence for these women and men.
What an honor to go through this process with one of these women. To be with her as she makes the most difficult decision of her life and offering her the hope that only Christ can give. To love her, to respect her and to honor her for her decision. What a beautiful story we would be able to share with our child. To tell our child that his/her mother loved them so much they offered them more than they could give and us who sought them out and waited. What a perfect love story.
After learning all this my question is why wouldn't we choose an independent adoption. Well I will be honest, our biggest struggle was the finances. Every time I would research the cost I kept thinking God how can we ever do this? But Dave and I kept praying and waiting for God to direct us. After all, money is just a tool God uses. He is the creator of our world, He just used money to grow our faith. Then one day we realized we have spent more money for a house, a car, multiple cars...so why were we agonizing so much over the money for an adoption?
So to encourage those considering this type of adoption or to answer critics... Aren't children more valuable than all of these things combined? All the things of this Earth are going to fade away, but the souls of these children are eternal. Adoption is God's design, if it is His will, then He will provide the tools.
So we stepped out in faith and God has blessed us abundantly! It is amazing how His presence has been seen throughout every aspect of the adoption process. I look forward to sharing with how we chose the Adoption Center of San Diego and how God used this process to grow our faith and relationship with Him. All glory goes to Him!
Why Adoption?
Why did we forfeit all infertility treatments? Why not a surrogate? Why not try invitro? Why was our only option adoption?
I know I have heard girls say before that they had a feeling that they would never be able to get pregnant, but then they end up getting pregnant and having lots of babies. That is so wonderful! But I guess, since as long as I can remember I just knew it probably wouldn't happen. I will spare you with details, but I feel as if this was the Lords way of preparing and conditioning my heart for His plan.
Now please understand, that when my husband and I did try, we put our hearts on the line and hoped with every ounce of our being. We allowed ourselves to think it could happen and when that door was closed we evaluated what would be best and how we would pursue other options.
Right before I was going to have a hysterectomy, our doctor strongly suggested we try invitro. We also knew we could always do a surrogate. I think we weighed these options for about a day. It was that simple. I know MANY and MOST couples choose invitro and or surrogacy. I am going to share what our thought process was on this topic and please understand that this is not an attempt to force any of this on anyone. It is strictly our thought process.
For us, along with not wanting to mess with my hormones, neither one of us were prepared to play God. We believe that life begins at conception. Which means that any and all embryos that would have been created are in fact a life with a soul. Where 46 human chromosomes come together into a complex genetic design that helps determine the unique characteristics of a new individual. Here are some questions that we just weren't and didn't want to have to answer:
* What if their are embryos left over?
* What do we do with them?
* Do we place them for adoption?(Embryo adoption is also becoming more popular)
* Could we handle that?
* How many would we use?
* What if we got pregnant with multiples? What if the doctor said to "eliminate some" (aka abortion) due to risk of health of me and or babies
* What if it doesn't work? How many times are we willing to keep trying?
* What if it never works?
Our conclusion was, "why all this?" So many children are in need of homes and their our women who are willing to place their babies for adoption. To us adoption was the simplest answer.
I love what our adoption facilitator says..."One of the greatest things about adoption is not if it will happen, it is just a matter of when it will happen!"
I know I have heard girls say before that they had a feeling that they would never be able to get pregnant, but then they end up getting pregnant and having lots of babies. That is so wonderful! But I guess, since as long as I can remember I just knew it probably wouldn't happen. I will spare you with details, but I feel as if this was the Lords way of preparing and conditioning my heart for His plan.
Now please understand, that when my husband and I did try, we put our hearts on the line and hoped with every ounce of our being. We allowed ourselves to think it could happen and when that door was closed we evaluated what would be best and how we would pursue other options.
Right before I was going to have a hysterectomy, our doctor strongly suggested we try invitro. We also knew we could always do a surrogate. I think we weighed these options for about a day. It was that simple. I know MANY and MOST couples choose invitro and or surrogacy. I am going to share what our thought process was on this topic and please understand that this is not an attempt to force any of this on anyone. It is strictly our thought process.
For us, along with not wanting to mess with my hormones, neither one of us were prepared to play God. We believe that life begins at conception. Which means that any and all embryos that would have been created are in fact a life with a soul. Where 46 human chromosomes come together into a complex genetic design that helps determine the unique characteristics of a new individual. Here are some questions that we just weren't and didn't want to have to answer:
* What if their are embryos left over?
* What do we do with them?
* Do we place them for adoption?(Embryo adoption is also becoming more popular)
* Could we handle that?
* How many would we use?
* What if we got pregnant with multiples? What if the doctor said to "eliminate some" (aka abortion) due to risk of health of me and or babies
* What if it doesn't work? How many times are we willing to keep trying?
* What if it never works?
Our conclusion was, "why all this?" So many children are in need of homes and their our women who are willing to place their babies for adoption. To us adoption was the simplest answer.
I love what our adoption facilitator says..."One of the greatest things about adoption is not if it will happen, it is just a matter of when it will happen!"
"So is their still a possibility you can have your own kids?"
I am going to skip a few things for now, about our adoption process, so that I can give you a little history. If that makes sense.
I occasionally get the question "So is their still a possibility you can have your own?" I used to get it more when we adopted Kyler but now that we have Charlie I get it a little less. Maybe because two is the magic number (fyi it is not our magic number). Well to be honest, when I get that question I have to pause and refrain from being rude. Kyler and Charlie are mine. I would rather have someone just ask me if their is a possibility I can still get pregnant. I know it is probably not meant to be rude, it just is.
What I hear is, yes you have two kids but don't you want your own? As if my children aren't good enough. So here are my thoughts. No I did not carry them for 9 months, but I prayed for them everyday even before I knew them or about them. I did not know when they were conceived, but my God did. For years, I imagined what they would look like. I loved them, I wept for them. I couldn't wait to meet them. I wondered if they would be a boy or a girl. Really when you think about it, I did everything another mother would do. No I didn't get to feel them move or kick, or be there when their sweet faces came into this world, but I didn't need that to validate my undeniable love for them.
So to get back to answering the question "is their still a possibility I can have my own?".
"No"
And I am so thankful.
I had a hysterectomy, against my doctor's suggestion, in my twenties and I have not regretted it for a day. I remember making a doctors appointment specifically to tell her it was finished. It was such a liberating appointment. See I had had at least three surgeries within a couple of years and our doctor wanted to start invitro and start me on hormones. Dave and I knew that this was not the route we were going to go. Maybe at some point I will share a little more about that...but for now it is not relevant. Dave and I were ready to move on. We were done waiting and in our hearts we had already closed the door. This hysterectomy was going to have to happen and I actually really wanted it. At the time, I was tired of being in pain. But by having the surgery it forced the doctor and family to allow us to move on. We had. We needed them to move on with us.
Although this ended up being the most complicated surgeries of all of them, God was so gracious. It was my least painful surgeries and I recovered the quickest and He sweetly broke me one last time.
What do I mean, He allowed me to be sweetly broken...When I woke up from surgery I kept wondering why I would hear babies crying. I thought I was hallucinating. Was I loosing my mind? When I finally asked my family why I kept hearing babies I saw all of their faces change. They asked if I needed to be moved. I guess when you have a hysterectomy they put you on the maternity ward. Kinda weird huh? So every time I had a nurse come and ask how I was feeling they congratulated me first. Asking if I had a boy or a girl. Which annoyed me only because I knew they never looked at my chart. So after a few days in the hospital, babies, new mothers all around and being congratulated several times a day I remember crying just one last time. But it was a different cry. I was so overwhelmed with joy and relief. God had always been with us and He saw us through. My brother told me before the surgery.."this too shall pass." And it did. We could see the end of our grief and I could see how allowed one door to close so that another could be opened.
Most of you know this verse but here was the one I always think of during this time "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. God never lost control, He knew all of this before it happened. He just carried us through it.
I occasionally get the question "So is their still a possibility you can have your own?" I used to get it more when we adopted Kyler but now that we have Charlie I get it a little less. Maybe because two is the magic number (fyi it is not our magic number). Well to be honest, when I get that question I have to pause and refrain from being rude. Kyler and Charlie are mine. I would rather have someone just ask me if their is a possibility I can still get pregnant. I know it is probably not meant to be rude, it just is.
What I hear is, yes you have two kids but don't you want your own? As if my children aren't good enough. So here are my thoughts. No I did not carry them for 9 months, but I prayed for them everyday even before I knew them or about them. I did not know when they were conceived, but my God did. For years, I imagined what they would look like. I loved them, I wept for them. I couldn't wait to meet them. I wondered if they would be a boy or a girl. Really when you think about it, I did everything another mother would do. No I didn't get to feel them move or kick, or be there when their sweet faces came into this world, but I didn't need that to validate my undeniable love for them.
So to get back to answering the question "is their still a possibility I can have my own?".
"No"
And I am so thankful.
I had a hysterectomy, against my doctor's suggestion, in my twenties and I have not regretted it for a day. I remember making a doctors appointment specifically to tell her it was finished. It was such a liberating appointment. See I had had at least three surgeries within a couple of years and our doctor wanted to start invitro and start me on hormones. Dave and I knew that this was not the route we were going to go. Maybe at some point I will share a little more about that...but for now it is not relevant. Dave and I were ready to move on. We were done waiting and in our hearts we had already closed the door. This hysterectomy was going to have to happen and I actually really wanted it. At the time, I was tired of being in pain. But by having the surgery it forced the doctor and family to allow us to move on. We had. We needed them to move on with us.
Although this ended up being the most complicated surgeries of all of them, God was so gracious. It was my least painful surgeries and I recovered the quickest and He sweetly broke me one last time.
What do I mean, He allowed me to be sweetly broken...When I woke up from surgery I kept wondering why I would hear babies crying. I thought I was hallucinating. Was I loosing my mind? When I finally asked my family why I kept hearing babies I saw all of their faces change. They asked if I needed to be moved. I guess when you have a hysterectomy they put you on the maternity ward. Kinda weird huh? So every time I had a nurse come and ask how I was feeling they congratulated me first. Asking if I had a boy or a girl. Which annoyed me only because I knew they never looked at my chart. So after a few days in the hospital, babies, new mothers all around and being congratulated several times a day I remember crying just one last time. But it was a different cry. I was so overwhelmed with joy and relief. God had always been with us and He saw us through. My brother told me before the surgery.."this too shall pass." And it did. We could see the end of our grief and I could see how allowed one door to close so that another could be opened.
Most of you know this verse but here was the one I always think of during this time "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. God never lost control, He knew all of this before it happened. He just carried us through it.
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