I usually like to stick with positive posts or at least have an upbeat twist to my posts, but today I am tired. (I wrote this last night). These last two weeks have been wonderful but I have also had a heavy heart. To be honest, I know a lot of that heaviness has to do with my devotion time, or lack of it. I was hesitant to post this, but this is also real life.
So here it goes...as I have posted before, I love and want to honor both of our children's birth families, but that doesn't always mean things are perfect and I am FAR from perfect. Sometimes I let my selfishness take over me. But I also believe that God has given me these situations so that He can deal with my issues. Where I am going with this is May is a very significant month in my life, but that also means that it is significant in my children's birth family's life. May starts off with Birthmother's Day, Mother's day and also ends with it being Kyler's birthday. Knowing that this is can be a difficult month for both birthmother's also leaves me with a burdened heart. I sometimes wonder, as much as I love them, will my heart be burdened like this every year? If it is, does it get better? With my happiness, will I always have a sense of grief for them? I have noticed that I have been overwhelmed with excitement this month, but I have also had an underlining sense of sadness. I am ready for it to pass now!! So I think that is why I am also ready to write about it.
Well, knowing this can be an emotional month, Dave and I designated the last two weekends to our birthmothers. One last weekend and one this weekend.
(in case you were wondering, no we are not required to do these visits, but for us, we feel it is the right thing to do and it is the least we can do. I get this question a lot)
They are always great visits and we usually come away with them feeling content with the visit and glad we did them. But, that doesn't mean that I am always feeling that way before hand. I pray a ton the week before a visit and pray that each visit is beneficial to them and for our children. My heart is usually restless and heavy a week before and it usually progresses as the time gets closer. I never have pinpointed exactly what causes this uneasiness. Please don't let this discourage you from adopting or having an open adoption. Not are all like this, it is not anyone's fault and I feel God gave me these certain circumstances to work on my inadequacies.
So both visits are complete, were very special, and I am glad we were able to do it. We even met with some family that we had not met before, which was really special. We were able to answer questions for them and give them a peace about the adoption. I feel so privileged to be able to do that. Dave and I know we were put in these family's lives for a reason, so we just continue to go where we believe God is leading us. Regardless of how I may feel.
Now as this week begins, I am starting new.
"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23 I am looking forward to celebrating Kyler's 2nd birthday and reflecting on how much our lives have changed in the last two years. We don't have a big party planned, but we celebrating as if it is. After all, with kids, you give them some cake and balloons and it is wonderful! I know that throughout the day, T will slip in and out of my mind but I am praying now for her heart to be comforted in knowing that she gave him the best. I know that me alone can't fix or heal anything, but by giving it to our Heavenly Father, I know he will do more for her than I ever could. That I can be confident in.
So today I want to remember that
"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24
